hello its me

Juice Head

2012-03-04T07:25:00.000-06:00

I've been doing lots of reading lately and though I am undecided....I think I'm heading towards a raw foods type of diet for awhile. I am not forsaking protein or fats since I'm still healing but its getting hard to ignore the fact that good results have come by way of vegetarian diet and cancer.

The raw aspect is coming mostly from juicing....and the fact that raw salads have apealed more to me than anything cooked has. There are of course contradictions to anything that I write on the matter.

I just read an over veiw of The Gerson Diet on the Cancer Institutes site. The problem with alot of nutritional therapy is that there are very few clinical studies and that renders case histories anecdotal rather than proven. This overview didn't find a gret deal to criticize and recommended clinical studies would be worthwhile.

Gerson is not an easy diet o self administer without guidance but I suppose that many do. If you have Netlix you can watch The Gerson Miracle, a documentary. Ts not just bout cancer....oter diseases benefit.

I'm going to run all of this by my oncologists.....not forsaking regular old treatment for simple nutrition...no way....but I definately have a lot to learn about chemo and radiation...namely the long term side effects which are pretty scary to read about in general terms but might not apply to me when all is said and done.

Nutrition will make or break things though....and there are a few other alternatives... of which could land me in jail despite solid research that they have anti cancer properties....

Its rather sickening that things with potential are outlawed in the U.S. Gerson for example must operate across the border in Mexico and most marijuana research is coming out of Europe...yet thousands use both tretments right here on U.S. soil with great success. If one life is saved here by breaking the law....thats worth it right?

A good friend is helping me find my way to anger....I insist that I m not angry about cancer. I'm angry for other reasons...the doctors who couldn't put some obvious symptoms together a few years ago for instance.....if I die, these are my murderers in my very high opinion.

But my friend wants me to go deeper...tumors are about festering anger....and its true....I was born angry really....angry at injustice in the world....and in my smaller place in life too....but, cancer...it tends to put things in a differant light.

Cancer remains an injustice and treatment is an issue of autonomy and law. That pisses me off yet we know that autonomy doesn't seek permission, nor does the right to life....

Yes, we do live on a farm!

2012-03-03T06:44:00.000-06:00

We finally got help with Dalai Llama yesterday. We have been trying really hard to get his harness off because its been leaving a mark on the bridge of his nose and though he is full grown, the danger is that the harness kept shrinking in the rain and snow and it seemed to be ready to chafe his head if not deform him. I don'tthink thst thing hads been off his head in two or three years.

It came down to learning to pin him against a wall of the barn while holding him around the neck. I didn't participate or watch due to surgery and snow. It took fifteen minutes all up. There was no real damage done to his head by the harness and he wasn't even upset afterwards.I feel much better!

We found a couple who are llama people through a round about way. Well Garry did. He called them for the first time yesterday and they came over immediately. Very nice people....got to know them over coffee.

They are offering us a female llama and sheep- for wool or breeding. Garry has to make that decision since we can't tell yet how soon I'll be able to rangle large animals myself...its all up to him at this time.

But we need to decide pretty soon because Dalai is trully lonely. Its nearly spring and its a great opportunity.

The lady of the couple is another fiber artist who hosts all kinds of workshops and invited me to join a monthly get together with her. Great! I hope that I can......by the next meeting, I'll be in chemo most likely. I can't tell today how I'll react tomorrow......

I started knitting again... a pair of socks.....a good sign that I'm mentally coming back into focus. I gained four lbs! I am sorting my seeds and starting flowers first -tomatoes too-, still thinking about chickens or ducks and ordered a three lb. package of bees for the third hive we are setting up.

Tonight, I might or might not go to the annual gun club fund raiser. It might be my last outing for awhile and the gambler in me thinks that if I do go, I'll win a shotgun but if I don't go, Garry will win something strange and useless.Just a hunch...no reason for it....Last year, I won a Food Saver and a bunch of somewhat useless household objects. The year before, Garry won a Thomas Kincaid painting ( God help me!) and a half a hog......

Craving Veggies

2012-03-02T07:26:00.000-06:00

The above photo is probably the first haul we brought home after visiting an Amish farm-Mary's most likely. That entire summer, we shopped in this way and never paid more than 8 dollars for the entire purchase. Direct from the farm, organic, freshly picked and in season.

Yes, I used to ask for things that were not in season......I just never thought too much about it. LOL!

We went shopping for veggies the other day and the only thing I seem to be capable of adding to my cart is carrots and kale. I got some more carrots at Emmas and I need to get to Mary's for some spinach and sorrel. I think she might have some baby beets. A friend dropped some off but didn't say where he found them....I suspect Mary's.

I would sit and eat my way through all those veggies if I had them on hand. It might take me awhile but eat I would. I seem to only want juices (fresh made) and carrots in other forms. That head of cabbage up there sure looks mighty delicious to me though!
We need to get to La Crosse and so some serious food shopping soon.

Are you looking forward to spring yet? I sure as heck am.

The return of fashion

2012-03-01T07:13:00.002-06:00

Its nerly spring which means that my collection of 25 summer dresses are going to see the light of day soon! I hope they fit!
Also my ethnic floral embroidered cotton blouses....my favorites.

But I will likely need head covering and decided on no wigs. These have to be really well done to work at all and my rather thick eyebrows and long lashes might be gone too.....a wig won't change that.
So silk scarves and nice summer hats are it. I promise that I wouldn't be caught dead in a baseball cap or a fishemans one ( I do wear fishermans hats to garden....but won't this year).

My hair is on the short side.....will get shorter when Jasmine is here on spring break. I taught her how to cut hair like a pro ( my specialty was cutting and color in salons) and she is the only one allowed to touch my hair. She will give me a transitional cut...pretty short....I'll enjoy it until it starts molting.

My hair is why I think I don't look like a hippie. In reality, my summer ward robe is carefully planned to look like a Beatles groupie during their Swami period...or Frida Kahlo...take your pick:)

I am trying to figure out ways to wear flowers in my scarves ( I am so not a hippie I tell you!)

I just feel that spring/ summer is about self adornment in some ways. Celebratory. Walking alters to our inner Goddess... I'm a Leo...a summer baby. Subtle I can do in the coffin of winter.... miserable. Summer though is freedom. Its mine and it makes me happy.

Its not going to be differant this year...its going to be better.

Where We Live

2012-02-29T06:33:00.000-06:00

I've not talked to much lately about the area around me. I've mentioned the Amish and the local farmers and occassional town folk I guess, but the real atmosphere.....not really.

Its got a huge locovore movement going and a vthriving holistic subculture that really nerdy people refer to as hippies- or tree huggers. To me, they are just people ( okay, some are just hipsters, I know) but its hard to have grown up just outside of the Haight Street area and think of modern day folks as " hippies" because they are not really hippies unless they were in the 60's........just saying.

People think I'm a hippie too....I am not. I am an aging anarcho-punk. Look it up:)

Why this post? My Jasmine and I are watching Portlandia.....she is finished and I just started. First episode touches on locovore...clients end up taking things too seriously and go to the farm to see the meat for themselves but end up joining a cult. Very strange but fun. Or funny.

Jasmine was looking into the local restaurants online and one we enjoy alot has either a facebook page or a comments section on their own page. She told me that somebody posted that the above episode of Portlandia reminded them of this restaurant! Lol! Its tbe Driftless Cafe and what I can say about them is they make the best humus this side of my own kitchen.

I love this place...the restaurant and the town. I'm not into the subculture adpect in the sense of being a part of the community....but I support it. I think its hysterical that I get lumped in regardless:) I honestly just don't have time to do more.

We had the inevitable ice storm last night. Jasmine could be snowed in by the same storm....I went over a survivalist check list with her and her roommate so am not worried, but I really would like to go outside myself some time soon!

I'm tying to get normal routines going here gain...

Ta, Da! Well Again

2012-02-28T06:37:00.000-06:00

yeterday brought a few things home to me....
One, I'm no longer independent of the medical system and won't be again for the rest of my life...even if cured....I'll need them to find out if anything recurs. This is total weirdness to me.

No, it wasn't just surgery. Yes, I'm taking the stairs now as normal. Yes this is great. But no, its not like my other abdominal surgery which removed benign cysts from my ovaries.Its not only about muscles knitting back together and scars healing beautifully. Its about cancer. I'm still actually not winning because of the next lesson.

No, special diets are not problem free and don't produce miracles. Before heading to the hospital I made the mistake of getting dressed in front of the mirror. I think I've lost more weight. My husband denies this but he was hardly in the mood to worry about one more thing at that moment. But I haven't looked in the mirror for a long time...is that what others have been seeing and why they were so horrified? I understand the concern at long ladt.

Yesterdy brought goodness too...a letter and card from Australia and a cancer diet/ recipe book from a friend. I'll talk about that later.
Another friend put together an herbal formula for me.
I have Essiac tea as well but it looks like it will be expensive to take as a treatment since one unit is a full botle.

Still....there are things out there that will work with my current condiion until I meet oncology in two weeks.
In that time, I must not lose more weight. I mut not deteriorate. I didn't know how hard this woukd end up being.

Danger Will Robinson

2012-02-27T10:09:00.002-06:00

My husbnd and I were in the emegency room all morning. I had digetive issues that wouldn't resolve on their own and because of surgery, no easy home remedy was allowed either. So at 1 a.m. we took an hour drive to La Crosse where staff was waiting to possibly declare surgery had failed and insist that I needed a colostomy after all...

I did what I always do in these situaions....I cried. I begged God to not disappoint me. To give me spontanous healing which I believe I have earned.....and finally I handed myslf into medical care as if I was a fugitive wanted for bank robbery and manslaughter!

I will only say that they probed. I made them stop. They gave me muscle relaxers. I couldn't walk to the commode without help. I screamed my head off to no avail. Then I passed out and they removed my stitches. They gave me laxatives.
We came home...where I crawled to bed literally. Slept....and crawled to bathroom a few hours later.

Moral of the story...eat your fiber but not if you take muscle relaxers!
I will call Dr. S today for further instuction.I thought it was over....far fom it.

Word Verification Rebellion

2012-02-26T08:41:00.000-06:00

Seriously.....I removed word verification for now following a couple of other bloggers that I read.
Dearest Blogger...we have been friends for a very long time so I think its my right to tell you when you are being a dumb ass.
That you are.
Middle aged folks on the cusp of needing bifocals deserve better from you. We want to comment without feeling our age on our friends blogs. We don't need to spend minutes on getting word verification correct. This defeats the purpose of high speed communication.

I remember learning shorthand in junior high school....I thought we'd come a long way since then. But no, we haven't after all. We have unusable word verification to remind us of the mid 90's dial up days coming from cutting edge technology companies. To remind us Mac users of Windows no less! Shameful!

Readers, get rid of word verification until blogger comes back to the modern age with legible designs that even robots can't read. It cannot be tnat hard.

My post of the day is the one before this rant....

Diet is Important

2012-02-26T07:15:00.003-06:00

I felt a little dissillusioned when first dignosed ith colon cancer because, not only does it not run in my family, but I think I generally have had a great diet for most of my life, so it made no sense to me. Was all that effort wasted?

Genetic testing is going to give me some answers regarding cancer and my kids will then be able to better monitor themselves and so will I. Diet will still play a role. Herbs, lifetyle, spirituality....its all going to matter- right?

I don't know.
I was all about prevention. I didn't prevent.

What I might have done ( and I can't prove this) is bring about a more positive outcome. One thing my Dr.'s noted was how extremely healthy I was overall- my organs, my ability to function despite being a host to a tumor,no flu( I may have had swine flu...very mild case), bronchitis, pneumonia...one cold a year at most, amazing organ health all around, etc.
Fibromylgia and sports injuries were my main concerns really.

Personally, I think " fibro" was a precurser to this in that fibro is just a tag given to patients when doctors can't or won't try to find answers but thats just me.

I do think that my mostly whole foods diet over the course of most of my life helped me to remain healthy against all odds. My immune system deserves a reward for the hard work it did to help my body survive so well.

So while we are told diet holds the prevention key, there are obviously other factors....diet won't prevent in everybody...but it sure can help save lives by making the most of things. I'm sure of this.

Happy eating....

Stuffed

2012-02-25T05:53:00.003-06:00

I am waking up really hungry since coming home. A really good sign. I also recognize that need to gnaw out of frustration and boredom...not something I like to pay any mind usually but this insinct can be useful.

I ate alot yesterday
Cream cheese on toast
Vanilla Ensure
Cheese and crackers
mac and cheese plus canned peaches
roast beef sandwhich with potato salad
two meat balls
Chocolate Ensure
1 giant supergreen smoothie

Notice that veggies and fruit are missing? I have to ease fiber back in. I'm allowed canned veggies! Yuck.

Today, I can up the fiber anti. I have been given special permission by Dr. S. to eat sushi in order to celebrate my pathology report.

Its exciting! I still have cancer of course.
Out of all lymph biopsied- zero were cancerous
Even my tumor wasn't all cancer- parts of it were inflammation
Surgery got it all out
All other organs are clear including the Almighty liver ( very important)
I am t3 ( Stage 3, not Terminator 3 :)
Chance of recurrance is low.
Will need further treatment.
Prognosis is good.

Its the best we could expect barring an actual miracle....and theres still room for that in my opinion:)

Dr. S seemed rather overwhelmed with the amount of good news. I could tell he was bracing himself to tell me something awful since I first met him and he deeply dreaded the possibility. We clicked which must be hard for doctors to deal with emotionally.
He's a real good guy....all the nurses love him I noticed and as a matchmaker mom, I also noticed that he is taken.

So people, I must download an app. to keep track of my calorie and protein intake. I have to eat high fat too.
2000 calories
100-110 grms of protein.
Per day.
Seemed daunting until my darling sister laughed that this was one fast food meal calorie wise. How weird is this to actually be told to eat that much? Very.

We are conditioned to eat less.....or want to eat less.

R. visited yesterday and will be here to give me a foot message today. His mom sent tons of food- soups and casseroles. I was telling R. that a part of my food issue is a bit of rebellion. I don't want to get big again. I'm boney and frightening, true. But I don't want to get bigger.
Yet one more issue to work on...

And Home

2012-02-24T05:47:00.003-06:00

I got home around 2 pm yesterday. Straight to bed. What else?
I have to come to terms with a few things- i have to inject blood thinner into my belly for a month, figure out a safe way to shower, create new routines. I want to just stay in bed. But I must not do such a thing.

Confession- I'm shell shocked. If I could handle the pain of deep sobbing, I'd just let it all out and cry for a few days but I'm afraid my stapled stomach will come unzipped if I did. Yes, my belly looks zipped closed and though Dr. S. assures me that I still have a belly button I think I look like a clone.

I guess its good to acknowledge the grief. Life changed in painful frightening ways and it won't be the same again. But really, I had warning so was lucky. Folks have sudden strokes or heart attacks....that would be worse....maybe.

I'll pull through....gauged out tummy, missing belly button and appetite....I'll pull through cause I'm home.

Visitors

2012-02-23T05:58:00.001-06:00

Yesterday, a gruff old man and his lovely wife came to see me. It was great because they already heard most of the news therefor I didn't have to repeat myself. The wife, "K" and I were marveling though at how my small intestine formed a protective barrier. I have to remember to ask my doctor about that- maybe today..
Her husband sat as we spoke then said, " Not to insult you or anything but I've seen this happen to my cows."
K and I burst out laughing....

A few years ago, he had bought some sort of feed that hurt his cows digestion. A vet school sent out their best research people to figure it all out. The cows stomache created its own divergent path in order to attempt to survive. I 'm sketchy on the details now. But it was several hundred head of cattle that did this.

Thats all I've got today. The Battle of the Feeding Tube continues but rounds are not for awhile. I plan on going home tube free today. Will update.

But Toto was here

2012-02-22T20:01:00.000-06:00

I realized all at once that I coukd be transported downstairs to thevmain entrance to see Molly. I asked the nurses about that and thy said that these requests seem to come from smokers or druggies who use pets as an excuse. I could do this if an aid came downstairs with me.
I was not offended. My aid jumped at tne chance but then asked why I didn't just fill in the release and bring Molly to visit for the afternoon? We have been leaving her in the car and Garry has been walking her frequenly.

So little Miss Molly behaved herself out of total fear, all the way to my room where she proceeded to ignore me. I was hurt. So I sighed," Ah, well....I guess I'll just have to buy a toy poodle who will love me forever then."

She cme running over then. I think it was the lack of familiarity and perhaps she felt abndonded by me. I don't know. I want to be home with her though.

Fighting the feeding tube. I.v's all out. one final sleep over....then home in a serious snow storm tomorrow.

Not in Kansas Anymore

2012-02-22T06:13:00.001-06:00

I was ready to go home yesterday. I need to hit a few milestones yet I think, before that happens. Almost all of my i.v.'s are out, the epidural too. Walking steady
on my feet with the help of a cane. Won't need anything besides the cane for home....but....

The Bane of My Existance rears its ugly head. I have anorexia and cancer. So the tumor is mostly out...my bbody rmaind starving. Feeding tubes being discussed. I'll go home before I'll let that happen. I was only allowed a full liquid diet as of yesterday. I didn't take full advantage. I got two cream iof somethings. Ate 1/3 rd of each. Thats really good for one who has lived on ice chips for 7 days prior, right?

I'm too tired to write more. I want to go home...Thats the place where the rest of my healing will happen.

Self Advocate

2012-02-21T06:31:00.003-06:00

Garry and mom got sick so I refused to let them come near me. I was on my own and a bit afraid on Monday because on Saturday I had an emotional melt down due to pain and nursing neglect.
In short, I had a sly roommie who refused to use a call button but who would snatch my nurse or nurses aid from me when I used the button.

She would pee her panties and scream or fall out of bed right on cue which left me in a vaccuum of pain and neglect. She was never hurt herself, and was there just waiting to hear if one of her feet needed surgery. Thats how I spent the morning after major surgery....trying to get help for my increasing pain in a one woman circus.

Until I cried that is, when I only meant to talk assertively with the nurse and those tears, they clogged my oxygen mask which sent me into a major anxiety attack just as my doctor walked in to check up on me.

Before I knew it, I was in a private room, injected with valium and waiting for my opiate self feed machine to arrive. I had called my family too and they arrived quickly. Its good to let family be known. I noticed increased care once they were with me since Dr. S. couldn't stay.

Another day (yesterday)and I found myself being weened off the epideral which should be intresting. I've been told that epidural is not a painkiller but a paralyzer. I don't think it worked for me. I spent most of yesterday trying to maintain a low to no pain because two nurses wanted to wean me off of morphin at the same time as epidural. I played along until my face looked like the number 10 face on the pain scale and both nurses couldn't fathom why!

I sound like an addict so I page my doctor with the opinion that I cannot walk because of pain. This warrants an explanation that yeilds a return to the status quo so that I can sit, walk and drink liquids, not sit, cry and refuse to get up. Both nurses were upset about doctors choice. Too bad.

This makes them sound bad but we dealt with the disappaearance of my morphine two nights ago as well. I was disconnected for a walk but not re conncected. I got two other drugs instead and that was fine until the next day when I was in pain and had to wait to take those drugs again. But where oh where was my morphine ?
We may never find out....it was innocent I guess but a discontinue order was not on file ,so how innocent?

Forget Scrubs. I plan on surviving this jungle. its one more fight when the staff is off kilter but lie eveything else, great when in sync.

co-ordination

2012-02-20T04:51:00.001-06:00

I was given an epideral as well as sleepaids and pain killers for surgery. I'm still hooked to epideral and a relief on demand pump. my co- ordination is being challenged.

My operation was a great success. One was to place splints in my urethra in order to protect them from damage, and the second was of course tumor related.

Dr. S. finally got a full view of the damage to the area which was extensive but first good news was that the tumor wasn't as low in the rectum as previously thought which meant a nice re- section and no colostomy bag. The resection will hold up on its own merit once the area gets back to work.

There was the tumor but also abscesses and other tissue (non cancerous looking) that had sprouted around other organs in an attempt at self defense against the tumor spreading. My small intetine literally formed a sheild!

What cold be removed was. The rest is up to chemo, radiation and alternatives plus God to cleanup and prevent recurrance.

Gods all over this one people....from in- operable plus colostomy bag, back to operable no bag?
I have a long road ahead but I expect life to stay good to me.
Thanks all for being here for me and my family.

I'm A Fighter

2012-02-19T16:31:00.000-06:00

My daughter couldn't remmber to post since he had long days by my side in the hospital. I'm doing well. Tumor removed. Lots of staples and pain but guess what?

No colostomy bag either.

More later. I 'm whacked out on multiple drugs.
Love to all.

Time of Surgery

2012-02-16T14:02:00.000-06:00

It was just confirmed that surgery will start at 1:30 Friday and should take up to four hours.

I'll pull through folks. I'll see if daughter is willing to update here but she won't want to answer questions here most likely. I'll be back before you all know it:)

Ready/Not Ready

2012-02-16T08:24:00.000-06:00

The nurses told me to bring only a tooth brush and a hairbrush and to wear comfortable loose clothes for the trip home. They said people bring books and crafts but nobody ever touches these things.
Theres too much teaching, testing, rehab, etc. going on that I'll be too tired and will want to rest in my spare time. I can imagine since we've had long hospital days and I couldn't even look at pictures in a magazine on those days without nodding out.

I'm as ready as can be. I'm also pretty nervous and now I'd say that I'm pretty damned hungry. Yesterday wasn't bad. Today will be a challenge I can tell.
And tomorow, surgery is slated for the afternoon- I'll have to stop clear liquids earlier in the day.

I really wish that I didn't have to have a colostomy! On the one han, its the least of my worries, but on the other, its a major lifestyle change.

I'll write gain later with the exact time of my surgey

A New Kind Of Prepping

2012-02-15T09:06:00.000-06:00

I'm on a two day clear liquid plus Ensure diet. I didn't know that Ensure could of been in my diet all along. It was something I never paid attention to. Its meant to help maintain or gain weight! I had filed it as a geriatric needs- sometime in the future.

It doesn't taste too bad.
Another exception was juicing greens. The surgeon wanted me to eat lots of them prior to surgery but didn't know how I could keep doing so now, until I mentioned juicing. We bought a ton of kale, more carrots, cabbage, apples and oranges for juicing. As long as its super strained, juicing is allowed which is great because nearly everything on a clear liquid diet is usually sickly sweet.

Another option could be to boil these fruits and veg and drink the stock for those who don't have a juicer. Its no longer a raw food drink but there are plenty of nutrients left in a stock.

Beef and chicken broth of course are on the list. I can't stand the idea of these after my colonoscopy fast, but if I get desperate we have both.

Two days of this. Plus post surgery...I don't think I'll mind too much. I plan on sleeping the next two days away- or a great deal of them anyhow.

Results and Action

2012-02-14T18:22:00.003-06:00

I haven't really talked about how awful my physical condition is as far as day to day physical changes but this is important to understand our final decision. I am pretty much bedridden due to weakness and severe pain. I get worse by the day and pain killers are now necessary, not optional. I am averaging 5lb. weight loss every week. I am lucky to be relatively healthy but cancer is aggravating fibromyalgia as well. I have fainting spells and episodes of shortness of breath. My condition is described as "deteriorating fast".

Last plan was chemo/radiation and it was thought that I was inoperable. Yesterday, my surgical team held a meeting with the hospital tumor board and invited several other surgeons for consult. All but one agreed that surgery should be attempted after all due to the parts of my deteriorating health that are caused diectly by the tumor. I'm a high risk for complete blockage and all the complications that come with that situation.

We were given a choice: surgery first or chemo, etc first ( with a colostomy bag). This upset me initially until I realized this was our original plan- the one that made me almost happy. We want this tumor out if possible. We don't need the doctors to tell us that my general health is failing very fast-I feel it and my family see it. We chose option one.

We know that they can open me up and find me inoperable. The tumor is so big that all imaging tests have been aborted since devices and chemicals cannot pass through. There can be big surprises there waiting.

Either way, Friday is the big day and I'll come out with a colostomy bag regardless.

Preliminary results on the liver biopsy looked benign. All my other organs are in good shape. Staging won't be compkete until the tumor is removed and biopsied but at this point its either stage 3 or 4 because it is assumed that the tumor broke through the colon wall. Biopsy of lymph nodes will be a art of this surgery as well.

I'll be in the hospital for up to 7 days. They do have wireless so at some point my ipad will keep me blogging though not right away for sure. Maybe by day three:)

Thats all we know. I feel much better knowing that I'll start treatment on Friday!

Long Lost Cousins

2012-02-14T07:26:00.001-06:00

They are not lost just one generation okder than me so we just kept in touch through our parents. They've gotten word of my situation. Moms been fielding the calls because usually I'm napping or tired or just sick of thinking and talking about myself.

The one that called yesterday used to babysit me, then I babysat her kids. Love her to death. But man, could she use some bedside manner!
" You say cancer like you have a cold!" How should I say it?
" You should of had yourself checked 15 years ago!" Sorry but that didn't fly with me. It wasn't up to me to get a colonoscopy and who would when insurance wouldn't of paid for a low risk patient anyhow?

And ," You should of known!" Why? and how? I said, " I cant stick my head up my ass anytime I feel like it! Can you?" She scolded me but got the message.

In support, she asked about my attitude.." You're not depressed are you?"
My answer," I have low points but I plan on living, not dying!"

Her," You need to improve that attitude."

Me," Mom! H. is on the phone, I need to go to the bathroom! H. I really gotta go. Love you."

My relatives are not mean and they have been around cancer so not naive or uninformed. They are very blunt and like many of us, make a great deal of assumptions about a great many things. I'm coming up with ways to amuse myself in these conversations because I don't want to not hear their voices. I'm the family smart ass anyway so this is expected.

Another call from a non relative, a friend of my moms who is just a bit older than me got all into how she solved Fibromyalgia issues ( diagnosed 6 months ago). Answer: 15 cups of coffee a day plus energy pills. She went on and on and on.
I said, " I can tell your solution is working!"
"Mom! N. is on the phone and I really need to use the bathroom!" I managed to get a few words in edgewise, "Love you N." She's a pain in the ass and always thought she was the big sister I never had. We just don't click really but she's too self centered to see that. She thinks I adore her. I've known her over half my life so must talk to her every once in awhile in very small doses.

Okay, hopefully no procedures today at all. Hopefully just answers. I keep forgetting that I don't need to fast today at all! Its become normal!

I'll update as soon as I am able.

Home

2012-02-13T15:32:00.001-06:00

Well, I didn't bleed out after the biopsy. The reason that I could have is that the liver in general has a massive amount of blood supply. This doesn't mean that the odds are high for bleeding but it happens.

It was a 15 minute procedure and the surgeon was smart enough to distract me the entire time. By the time the needle was in, I was still focusing on the Lidocaine injection. By the time he pulled out the tissue I was just figuring out that the biopsy was under way. Perfect.

The rest of the time was spent on bed rest- four hours all up. Thats when it began to hurt, there were no pain killers prior but straight after.

Yesterday, the Pastor of our church came to see me and give me a very pretty prayer shawl knit by the women of the congregation. We talked for a long time....things I can't mention in a short post but things that count as far as negative self talk. I'll get to it eventually.

I've got plenty of resting to do today in preparation for tommorrow....hope ya'll have a great evening.

Until Tuesday

2012-02-12T07:08:00.000-06:00

I'll probably manage short entries but I'll be in the hospital most likely all day on Monday and Tuesday. The liver biopsy is tomorrow and the ( hopefully) final treatment meeting the next day.
I think I've taken every test known to man in the last two weeks or so. They shoud be able to start giving me answers,no?

So pray that the biopsy as a procedure goes well (they worry that I could bleed out) and the result is what we all hope for- benign.

The hospitals Cancer Board also meets on Monday ( I'm not invited;)and will be discussing yours trully.

Good times...

Just realzed... isn't Tuesday Valentines Day?

Oh My Dear Boy!

2012-02-11T13:05:00.000-06:00

My good brother was a bit paniced when I was at the biopsy the other day. We maintain radio silence until we have an answer. This brother is crying alot for me but towards me, like everybody else, he is positive.He needed to vent but chose the wrong person. My son.

He didn't hear news by the time we got home because we had to unwind and fill mom in first. I can't repeat this stuff a million times to each person. She needs to vent too and being a former nurse she can explain if we forgot to ask the doctors. She communicates well and is our spokesperon for the rest of the family. It works great.

Moments after arriving home, Garry got a call from our son.
" Whats wrong with mom? What are you hiding from me?" My brother called him to ask what was going on with my liver. I had told him everything but the change in plan had thrown him into serious panic the other day so I think he forgot some information.

I talked to my brother and he was just having a stupid but needy moment. He apologized profusely.

I texted the boy later reassuring him again that we are not holding anything back.

he's angry at his uncle for scaring him like that but I asked that he try to forgive. This is no time for family feuds and unimportant grudges.

I'm waiting anxiously for his arrival right now. He'll be here any minute....., i need to talk to him about his own health because they are starting to mention genetic cell mutations.

I'm happy he'll be here but nervous about that talk.

Death Eaters

2012-02-11T06:10:00.002-06:00

My own mentally ill, speed addicted brother wished me dead the other day. " I hope you die you f-ing bitch." Yes, when I was already so down though his self centered ass would not have noticed or cared.
Why? He thinks mom should be out in Cali at his beck and call. He stated he'd had a stroke that paralyzed is arms an legs yet he was out of the hospital and holding a phone most likely. Speech pattern reflected speed psychosis....... has for awile now.

He was screaming into my cellphone at mom, telling her how he was sick and if she was a good mom, she'd leave me here immediately because I certainly was not sick. When his demands were not met, he started threatening her with arrest...on trumped up charges. He said repeatedly that I was not sick and implied with several comments, that I hardly mattered.

He figured she would pick him because he though the choices were jail or running to him. She was naturally distressed so I took the phone and tried to reason with him. He made more false allegations in an attmpt to extort money from her- his primary reason for calling. I finally told him I'd be blocking his number because he was threatening mom and harrassing me.

He then wished me dead. I hung up and cried most of the day away.

He is not the only one out there with that kind of hate towards me. My mom is ready for the mean neighbor should she or her spawn attempt to come near any of us. Others will watch out for those who are just negative in general and have my moms back.
It should be simple but beasts are beasts.

This was the plan...no stress, surrounded by love and that is why I was so hurt by my brothers hatred. Not that he cares about me anyway...but it was another blow dealt to me from life that arrived on an already bad day. It was completely unnecessary.

He has been practising his rage on me for over a year because I told him that he was an addict a year ago. He can say so during endless whining, anybody can, but not I. Ever since then, he's been trying to get mom to stop talking to me. He has hung up when I called for her and cursed at me from another room when she answered.
I know he hates me. But I didn't need to hear it at this time.

Older brother is working on restraining orders.

Not everybody with cancer has an ideal family....and this is something that I am not going to deal with except legally.

I was better the next day after crying so much. I just didn't need this.

Improved mental outlook

2012-02-10T17:39:00.000-06:00

And why? Pain killers! With the burden of pain removed, I can rest in meaningful ways. Hopefully healing ways.

Today was another tough one- upper right quadrant ultra sound to examine a spot on my liver further. It proved to be a bit allusive at first, but radiology proclaimed it congenital! It has a name but I forget what.

However, that was just too easy. Another spot was discovered- the size of a pea in the liver. This they wanted to biopsy immediately.

I was admitted for the day. Starving and thirsty of course. More bloodwork. Doctor allowed just enough water to swallow two pills. I.V. feed to help with dehydration.

I waited several hours to be called down to radiology. When I gave birth to the kids, I needed plasma transfusions. Seems that for 18 years I've been living with foreign antibodies as a result. This means that a search for the right blood supply in case of hemmorage is very important now.

They sent me home while they continued the search over the weekend.

I never let any of this suck me in emotionally today. I don't want to invest. Return on Monday for biopsy and then Tuesday to complete staging and talk treatment.

My boy will be here to see me tomorrow! With 3 friends who are bringing good vibes. He'll be here just overnight but this means the world to me!

A man dropped by to visit us while we were away. Mom talked to him. He brought a copy of his own ultrasound that showed huge masses. He was here to give me encouragement and I'm sorry I missed him! We figured out who he was.

Much more...but I'm babbling because of opiates!

Staging

2012-02-09T07:28:00.000-06:00

Its frightening in its uncertainty but the staff at the hospital are amazing in their ability to be supportive throughout the process of staging.
What we now know is not good. I'm not sure if I feel this way because its not what we thought we knew or if its actually as bad as it sounds. I am in shock.

The tumor is inoperable. Its spans from the upper rectum 12 cm. into the sigmoid colon. If it were contained in the colon, then a resection would of been the best course of action. That is what we thought we knew.
Since it is in another spot, the first option will be radiation. Then chemo.
Surgery? Oh yes. I get a colostomy bag first because radiation makes surgery more difficult to do after the fact. Reversible? Not known.

That part seems irrelevent concidering the scope of the matter.

Surgeons have sad eyes but say happy things. Not dishonest but hopeful, because more tests might give us a better outlook. And because they know that they cannot take whatever fight is left in me away.

Might be stage 4, but not end stage. There is room for hope.

I feel betrayed and disappointed in life today.

Some staging tests that I took yesterday:
Bloodwork
CTScan of upper chest
More blood work
Barium X- ray after a manual exam proved impossible

Friday:
Liver Ultrasound
?

My best friend Kerrie in Australia is the person we designated to give information to others in Oz. She is convibced that I not only have 9 lives but each contains a miracle. I've had a few miracles in my life. Not 9 , but a few. I ask myself, do I deserve more?
Luck does run out eventually. Fate can be sealed. I'm back to living moment by moment, but as sick as I am, I'd hardly call ths living.

Mom

2012-02-07T08:24:00.000-06:00

We dropped the Amish off at the train station and as usual, train was going to be late so we ran off to the grocery store instead of sitting there. We were not long, our list was short. But the train was there when we got there. It figures that when a train is late-it will arrive early but never on schedule.

As we drove back, I knew it was there. I worried that my mom would worry but then remembered that my mom and Mary had met once about two years ago. I prayed that Mary would find mom before boarding and tell her we were on our way! I thought that was improbable. Especially because the station was full of Amish men, women and children talking amongst themselves.

We got there and Garry ran into the station while I waited in the car. Nervous. Tired. He found mom and the Amish had already boarded. Mom was fine with us being late because the second she walked into the station, she and Mary locked eyes and greeted each other. Mary told her we would only be another minute. Phew!

Well, mom was upset when she saw me. I know I look bad. I have what is known as anorexia. Not anorexia as in anorexia nervosa but anorexia driven by cancer. Its common enough. What we need to find out is if I have cachexia which is highly dangerous because body tissue starts to wither away in the latter. Right now, we know my blood protein and calcium is affected by the anorexia. My body is not utilyzing nutrients as it should. Cachexia is worse-much much worse.

Of course my face looks like hell right now. I look sick. I kept telling my mom, "If I was healthy but over weight and lost that weight I would be at a good weight for my body type." She didn't buy it. I haven't bought it either but I thought I would try that line anyway.

She made me eat a burger (I ate half) and fries (I gave most to Molly) at a fast food place. I ate a few potato chips on the road to stave off blood sugar attack and I drank a bottle of coconut water. Then at home I ate yogurt and she forced grapes on me. Then she juiced oranges. Then it was spaghetti. We got home late so we did the best we could as far as cooking something quick. Today is another day. I plan on trying to eat more food.

I am hungry. Its just that I can only take in so much volume at once. I think people need to understand that this isn't a willful thing-that if I could have a five course meal, I would. But I would have to spread it out throughout the day. Again, this is just common. I will be discussing this and other things with the surgeon tomorrow.

I might not be online till later in the day if they don't admit me which they said they rarely do. I'll be at the hospital all morning, being poked, prodded and CT Scanned yet again. I have to fast again but no awful liquids this time! Hurray!

About The Weather and My Mom Is Nearly Here!

2012-02-06T06:20:00.001-06:00

Garry told me that he watched something on t.v. the other night about ice fishing.Somebody drove a fully loaded truck onto the frozen lake and the ice cracked. I said," Thats because of the extreme changes in weather this year." He said thats what the news had speculated. We are all very clever:)

I'd actually been worrying about this ever since the Mississippi finaly froze over this winter. Ice fishing huts were promptly erected and SUV's driven out half way to Minnesota.Kids run amuck excitedly as dads drill holes in the ice.
You couldn't pay me to go out there this year.

Then, when we visited Mary the other day, their driveway was awash in blood. We figured an animal had been recently slaughtered. But we found out that five of their cows had wandered over the frozen pond and crashed though, drowning. They gave the meat to local Amish. I don't think I'd of accepted drowned cow. I don't know when an animal is safe to eat when death was strange like that.

We are going past these fishing encampments again today. We are dropping Mary, two of her boys and a nephew at the train station and retrieving my mom from the same train! Strange coincidence.

Yes my mom. She will ooh and ah over the icey terrain along the river. She loves snow! I'll pretend that I do too but I like palm trees not snow. I'm afraid to see her to tell the truth. I almost feel like I did when I was young and knew I was in trouble.

I think she will freak out when she sees my hollow eyes and boney body. My mom...when she feels the need to protect her children, gets very angry. She beat up a gang banger just for talking to me when I was 8. She beat him up, then spat in his face to be precise. He never messed with her kids again. Nobody did for that matter.

But now, she can't do anything but be here with me. Nothing to beat to a pulp. But she'll feed me my comfort foods and fatten me up. Or try. Poor mom. I cannot imagine what she's about to go through.

Juicing and Denial

2012-02-05T06:35:00.000-06:00

I was told to buy a super green food powder if I didn't want to juice 3 cups a day. Juicing is great but it takes alot of effort to clean the food to be juiced, then clean the juicer too. Three times a day for optimal benefit. Fresh juice oxidizes quickly and enzymes start getting lost after 15 minutes. Plus, it takes alot of produce to get enough juice. The powder seemed reasonable to me.

But, when facing surgery, major dietary changes are not suggested unless the surgeon okays it. Some vitamins from foods could clot the blood (Vitamin K) for example which might or might not be desirable. The super green powder recommended to me has plenty of that and other nutrients that the doctor should look at first.
If I have to time to ween off the drink before surgery then most likely he will say to go for it. But we don't know yet when I will be in surgery. It could be as soon as next week or a month from now. I'm pushing for next week.

However another cancer fighter/body booster is carrot juice. I know this is still ' drastically" more than I eat normally but the recipe is not laden with K though it has modest amounts. Cabbage is another superfood that I should get plenty of. Add some kale, parsley and celery plus garlic and I'll do fine I think. The main food here is carrot, about 90 percent I estimate. It does have vitamin K but not like the super green food would. I eat these veggies usually on a weekly basis anyhow.

And it tastes good, goes down well, fills me up but not in that unpleasant sort of way. I'm not juicing 3 cups as recommended but one tall glass...about 12 oz. Thats as much work, cleanup and food I can take. I am supposed to eat solid foods too after all.

I can't find my camera but just as well...the drink is ugly.

This is just step one of the treatment that I plan on undergoing. At this time, I'm trying to maintain weight which is a constant struggle. Weight loss is part and parcel with cancer. We hope to avoid further weight loss but as I said, I'm not going to win this easily.

I know that denial can be a healthy and normal reaction but some of my family members are still in denial right now. It bothers me because by refusing to go into denial I was able to brace myself for worse and worse news. If I was in denial when ovarian cancer was suspected, I wouldn't of been able to feel relieved with colon cancer and so on. I might yet go into denial myself I suppose. If they tell me the news is even worse than I think it is, well, I'd probably crack for a bit.

What I am trying to do personally and I wish this for my family members, is to refuse to internalize my emotions and fears. I think this has gone a long way towards lessening my stress level which is important. But I pick up on the stress of others and take it on too. It would help me if everybody just broke down and cried. Let it go. Its bad but its got to go (the cancer, the fears, the anger).

And its not about me alone. I think putting on a brave face is selfless but the people I love are a part of me. I want them to admit that its about them too. They won't because they want to be brave and they are brave. I love them for this. But it worries me.

Bedside Manner

2012-02-04T05:58:00.000-06:00

I got the biopsy results yesterday- in the mail! Is it just me or does this not warrant a phone call- person to person- when the news is bad? Also, that means they had the results a couple of days ago but didn't tell me.

I'm not going to stress about this...breathing deeply now. I am taking it okay. I knew. I had all the symptoms and enough information had already been gathered. The biopsy was just scientific confirmation of what was certain.

What I look forward to is the surgeons visit and the operation. I can't wait. Like a child at Christmas nearly. Because when this tumor is removed, I'll feel better. I'll eventually be "normal" again. And the surgeon volunteered that he is trying to avoid a colostomy bag. That is something worth praying for. He will decide on Wednesday after poking my belly. I could use a reward and that would be it.

In the meantime, being uninsured isn't helping matters. Both hospitals have financial assistance via sliding scale but I got in touch with a social worker at the states Department of Aging and Disability. They will be setting up an appointment some time soon to see what I qualify for if anything. For once, I'm not ashamed of possible hand outs. I think I'm afraid of the bills more than the cancer at this point in time!

I'm thinking about taking this blog private because obviously gloom and doom does not make for huge popularity and it might get a bit controversial at some point which makes me think twice about broadcasting to the public at large.

If I do that I will add my current posters to the subscription list. I don't know how it works yet but will keep everybody informed if I do make that decision.
I'd like to keep blogging. Its keeping me sane and the support I get here is priceless as well as simply enjoyable.

Other than that I am doing my best to become well again. I am staying on a spiritual path and I am feeling positive as far as outcome. I am a bit frightened that I will find out during staging that I am very advanced but that is projecting the ultimate fear-that I am terminal. I am trying to not project fear but hope.

Have a great day all. Thanks again for the support and the love. I know it works.

Another Documentary-Forks Over Knives

2012-02-03T08:01:00.001-06:00

There has been some recent controversy over the China Study. It is said that the study was seriously flawed from the start. Here is what I think is the original critique that started further criticism.

Of course, people on heavy meat diets including Nourishing Traditions and Paleo have a reason to jump on the bandwagon. We all get emotionally invested in how we eat, especially if its a conscious choice.

Forks Over Knives is in support of a plant based diet. It discusses the issues caused by over consumption of dairy and meat products as well as junk foods and argues in favor of a whole foods diet. The movie talks to Dr.'s Campbell, McDougall and Essylstyn-all advocates of a plant based diet.

Does the movie deliver? It has the scientific charts, the case histories, the history and working of department of agriculture and success stories. Its not riveting to me since I have seen documentaries like this an have read plenty of health based books in my lifetime but if somebody were to not be aware, I think it would move them to try to make some changes in their lifestyle and food choices. To at least question the animal based industry before making the right choices.

And what is the right choice? Its hard to say. I have a friend who cannot eat a plant based diet and does better on a meat based one (Paleo). I would explode if I ate that much meat. Meat here of course must be "clean"-organic, free ranged, cruelty free. I respect my friend for her decision and commitment.

I don't necessarily think that this diet is for everybody though. It certainly is frightening to a cancer patient to think that meat-even clean meat-can cause so much inflammation in my body that it will just make me sicker. And yet, I also need more protein (non soy based) than the average person-cancer or no cancer.
I've been vegan. I know the ropes. I know how my body reacts negatively over time to absolutely no animal products. I have anemia. To make up for the loss of meat, I literally need to eat more calories which I am not good at doing. This has been a lifelong problem for me and has worsened recently.

My whole point is that there has to be a happy medium. Therapeutic diets are a bit different I think. The movie does seem to propose the plant based diet as a therapeutic one based on the fact that the majority of Americans have food related problems. Therapeutic/way of life.

Can you all tell that I am confused a bit here? I have struggled with this conflict for a long time. I outright rejected Nourishing Traditions. I don't think that soy is deadly. I feel that this diet uses alot of scare tactics. If you go to the website they have testimonials written by former vegans who claim to have become all kinds of negative things such as anorexic and blame the vegan diet for masking hte obvious. I don't buy that crap. Paleo seems to be the diet of the rich (as does Nourishing Traditions) yet I don't see that obvious scare tactics as I do in the other diet. However, I am but a pauper. I prefer my peasant diet. These are my opinions of course.

Yet, here I am having to make some dietary choices for therapeutic purposes. The movie did help since it reminded me of one more choice that could mean life or death-or long productive life and debilitating old age to be more positive.
Its not going to be easy for me to make choices like this and no, I don't expect a hospital dietitian to hand me the facts. I will always double check such things regardless. Its in my nature to do so. Do we all do that? It seems natural to me.

I still recommend the movie if only to make people think a little bit more about how the animal based food industry is after all very powerful as far as politics go. Knowing this, its rather hard for me to accept a meat based diet as supreme to any other. We have been buying into this for generations. We are not getting healthier as a nation. I've been off the vegetarian diet for around 4 years now myself.
It didn't make a difference to me to eat meat. I remain anemic and I am very ill.
There is more to this than one way or the other. Maybe we can find the in between someday.

Chocolate Cream PIe and Ruben Sandwiches

2012-02-02T05:56:00.000-06:00

Lets just say that chocolate cream pies are not usually as tasty as they look. They certainly are not horrible either. They just rarely taste as they do in the imagination. What we forget is how sickly sweet and rich they can be after a few bites. But I was told to eat calories and I am trying to eat calories and now I have eaten lots of calories, empty as they are. I know that isn't what the doctors meant but it was worth it.

Garry went to every store in a 100 mile radius to find me this one pie. He did well.

No matter what reason I have to fast for or am ill over that I can't have solid foods, the one thing I crave when hunger takes over is actually a ruben sandwich. The test was no exception. I was told to eat anything I wanted after the test. We went to a diner and I promptly ordered a ruben sandwich, on rye with Thousand Island dressing on the side and extra sauerkraut. That my dears was heaven to me. It always is. I ate about a fourth because it was a double decker. Then I had another quarter for dinner that night. Garry had the other half.

In S.F. a friend and I used to go to a Jewish Deli downtown all the time. She'd get a chopped liver with hardboiled eggs and I'd get a ruben of course. They would give us these crazy portions of food-my sandwich wouldn't even fit into my hands. I'd remove over half the meat and take it home for more sandwiches! This corned beef was made fresh on the premises. Nobody can compare to that deli! Even the chopped liver was marvelous. I think it was called Davids but I'm not sure anymore.

I think I'm getting my appetite back now. I don't know why that would be. I'm just as stressed and just as sick as before and even if I was hungry before-it was a dissatisfied kind of hunger, not a craving type of hunger. Now its more a craving type of hunger. I wake up thinking about food! I guess thats because I do know that everything is going to be okay.
And that even though I am not using the right foods, I should let food be my medicine. Not exclusively of course but I should at least try to make friends with it again.

When you get sick, what is the food you dream about? What kind of pie will haunt you enough that you or somebody who loves you, would drive a 100 mile radius for?

X Marks the Spot- My New Tattoo

2012-02-01T06:00:00.001-06:00

Yeah, so the nurses denied my request to tape my mouth shut during the concious sedation the other day. They thought I was joking I guess. I've heard stories of people babbling through the procedure. I love to talk. 1+1=2......hmmm.....

I thought I blacked out with the first injection. There were to be two. I thought I woke up immediately after but apparently I laid there repeating a mantra..." the children must be screened before the age of 30". Over and over and over for half an hour first.

Enough to scare the crap out of Garry. The prep nurse was also my recovery nurse. She had told me earlier that if this turns out to be the hereditary type of cancer gene then...well, the children need to be screened by the age of thirty obviously. I thought in my periodic panic that I might forget to tell them. Not likely.
Thats a mom for you, enough valium and pain killer to knock out a small horse and still thinking about my children.Garry felt better that I was sort of at least making sense after the nurse explained.

The doctor came in and expained a few things that I missed the point of. He said he marked my colon with black India ink, which in my silliness, I thought meant a magic marker. I didn't think too hard about it being easily washed away by acids because the logical to me expkanation was that he drew an X on some pictures which made me worry about how smart the surgeon was if he needed help reading an image!

Well, woke up yesterday feeling like crap. I could tell I'd been probed. But there was an odd sensation too. Garry wondered if it was the combination of biopsy and tattoo left in the shape of an X on my colon. Huh. The doctor explained it apparently.

Today, I hope to get out of bed. Poor Molly is sticking at my side through all of this, sleeping too much as a result. Dalai must miss me- he was upset the first time I got sick when I resumed his feeding after a few days. He pouted. I have to get some sort of normal back in small doses.

I am craving a chocolate cream pie like nobodies business today! I really want somebody to come and clean this house for me. Its a mess! But I can't do much. I can do a couple of dishes and maybe make a quick breakfast before I tire for the day. This isn't going to be easy.

I'm a Liebster...you can be a liebster too

2012-01-31T05:55:00.002-06:00

Annie gave me another award the other day! Thanks Annie! Much appreciated:)

This award goes to bloggers with less than 200 followers. I think its painless....no need to spill your guts out or anything:) Well, the guilt I always feel is there as usual. I think that I am going to give this to more than 5 bloggers this time (the required).

Letters From an Urban Trench-Carolyn writes not only about prepping but crucial skills and important issues. I've known her a very long time it seems and I guarantee that she is well spoken and well researched.

Practical Parsimony-Linda writes about real life frugal living, with a good sense of humor most of the time and is very honest. The important thing is that she has years of experience with the topic and continues to share information based on experience. This is the real thing.

My Freezer is Full-Judy writes about her own life on a farm plus a career and family. She sews beautiful things, bakes yummy things and is overall a very fun blog to read. Pretty soon, she'll hit 200 followers I think:)

Gully Grove-Chris writes from Queensland Australia from her developing permaculture home and land. Chris and her family take on projects in an effort to restore the soil which is much more than most of us up here in the Northern Hemisphere need to do and darned if she didn't grow pineapple this last year!

De-Light-Toria is starting to blog more regularly which is great because I have missed her. Its a general blog that includes lovely children and marathons! I am in awe!

Soapbox Tech-Jerry is starting to write again a bit more often which is great because life is just not the same without his blog to read:) Farm in Canada but so much more!

The Unstoppable Madman-Jdude deserves an honorable mention even if his blog has not been updated in a very long time. I am so glad you pop in now and then and say hello. Hope you decide to blog again:)

Pass this on to 5 other blogs with less than 200 followers. Thats it. Remember that when you pass it on, you give these other blogs exposure. They deserve it. Or some of them do:)

Now I have to go inform you all that you won an award!

I'm back and coherant

2012-01-30T16:24:00.001-06:00

The worst part of the colonoscopy was the prep. I was to drink one gallon of liquid which has a flavor reminscent of Pond Water Sludge. I was allowed to add lemon flavored Crystal Light which only made it taste like Lemon Flavored Pond Water Sludge.

The test included pleasant sedation. I was there in the operating room one minute, and back in recovery the next. Blink of an eye. No pain. Not even now.

I guess its hard to get to the point...yes, its cancer but the biopsy hasn't come in yet. It looked bad so was rushed.
The doctor seemed hopeful that it didn't spread in the colon.
Next, the surgeon called when I got home. Its time for another CT scan- full upper chest this time. Its a part of staging- finding out how advanced this might be.
Surgery shortly. They are trying the less invasive way- laproscopy. Bigger incisions than usual to accomodate the 12 cm. mass.
Oncology after that.

I'm okay with this. Tests make me more tired than usual...sedation is hard to come off. I still say " I will live and not die." I choose life.

A hard road ahead but I'm in good hands so far.

Okay, nap time for me.

Healing

2012-01-29T07:45:00.000-06:00

I spoke to a friend who is a cancer survivor. Noel is a childhood friend of Garry's in Australia and we remember when he went into the initial crisis because it was a life or death emergency for him. His tumor was so big it completely blocked his passage and it perforated his colon walls. He was stage 3 by the time this happened. But he is here and he is cured and he is happy.

He talked to me about some of the technical details of what I might end up going through but he wanted to focus on something else with me more than anything. Survival and what it will take from me and my family to get there.

When we first called him I thought I might cry again but as it turned out, he gave me so much to think about that I found myself less fearful and though I know the sadness will come and go, that dissolved too.

He simply said, "Keep your head up high and work towards that future that you want. Get death out of your vocabulary. It can happen. It can happen to anybody. It doesn't have to happen to you because of this. Get out there and choose to live and start now. Start living now."

He said alot of other things that were related to this so it wasn't as simple. He gave tips and advise. He talked to me alot about stress and how it can kill anybody at any time. And yes, he believes that the power of prayer helped him a great deal. Infact it keeps him going even now.

This part is important. I read a terrible article that said that prayer was ineffective. I believed it for a moment because I was vulnerable and cried again. But then I realized that it was written in the language of death. I realized that this whole ordeal has the death aura around it. The C word! I cried my last bitter tears then. I had chosen life, hadn't I?

And let me just say that I was raised nearly like Lazarus from my death bed through faith healing nearly 19 years ago. I know that the article is incorrect. I am living proof of this fact.

While I do have to be realistic, I also don't have to become a part of that Death culture. There are positive things about what has happened to me. I could of ended up like Noel with a perforated colon (a very dangerous situation). I could of felt nothing until this mass spread dangerously further.

The real truth is yet to be revealed as to where I am heading in the near future. The only sure thing is that no matter what it is, I'm bound to end up feeling better at long last because that mass-even if its benign-it has to go. Noel reported feeling better right after surgery despite the pain he was enduring-because that mass was gone.
I look forward to feeling better-no matter what it takes.

I will not write tomorrow until later in the day if at all. I am having the colonoscopy bright and early and will be under sedation for most of the day. Its outpatient so I will come home and rest. If I am coherent I might write something.

I want to thank all of you for sharing your concern and thoughts and prayers with me. Keep them going because they do work. They have worked. I am calm and very nearly happy again. I laughed at something yesterday. That says a lot.

Update-I'm okay for now

2012-01-28T06:18:00.000-06:00

First, we will be on the road all day. I like driving. It soothes me tremendously (no I'm not the one driving! I'll be meditating in the drivers seat!) I was told not only to eat but eat anything I wanted because the diet I was on didn't provide enough relief and because I hated it so much, I wasn't eating enough. This reflected in some of my blood work.
I'm not gorging myself on stuff, but in three days I worked my lazy stomach up to eating a whole egg salad sandwich on normal bread! Its been weeks since I ate that much in one go. That took a lot of effort but I need nourishment very badly. So no worries on the road today.

I am trying to focus alot on not jumping to too many conclusions. When I took the ultra sound test, the technician was a bit skeptical about ovarian cancer. She told me it could be any number of things which could be serious or not. She said that there were times that the mystery is never solved too.
I had told her that I couldn't find anything online that pointed to anything but ovarian cancer taking my age into consideration.

She said that her opinion about online layman type of medical research/information, was either the good news or the bad news but never in between. She said people had to be really careful with that-any number of things can go awry in the human body and she reiterated that not all of it was necessarily bad and that I should remember that.

Naturally, I have looked at the information and yes, its all bad. But no, thats not all there is to it. I keep remembering this. And what is worse is that I have all the symptoms yet, each one can be explained by something else that makes sense. For example, anemia is a symptom and yet, I have been anemic for a long time and my mom has it and my grandma had it. It runs in our family.

Not going into denial. Just saying that it ain't over till the fat lady sings.

I had to be brief in my comments to everybody in the last post because I am having computer trouble-blogger won't open the comments in firefox and Safari thinks I should write a paragraph at most. I want to say that I am awed and amazed by the friends I know online and my gratitude for the support is very deep. Thanks from the bottom of my heart folks!

Whats Going On...

2012-01-27T16:30:00.000-06:00

Tomorrow we actually take the darling Jasmine back to school- a week late. First it was an ice storm, then the car broke down( two days in the shop) and finally, I got sick again. This time wasn't as bad as last time but it scared Garry enough to find a doctor and take me in immediately.

That was Wednesday. I've spent the last three days going in for testing. The first scare was possible ovarian cancer but an ultra sound ruled that out while revealing a lower colon mass, which we hoped was an abscess but this was too hopeful. On Monday, I'm getting another test- colonoscopy.

We won't jump back to the C word this weekend. Its looking like it but it could be benign.
I feel a strange sense of relief knowing its not ovarian cancer though colon cancer is not much better.

Lots oftears, some relief, a sense of hope.......the doctor tried to send me to LaCrosse today for the colonoscopy after the CT Scan and witing for results. I simply couldn't do it.I needed a break to regroup and try to get a semblance of spirituality back. I needed to rest.

I've determined that my only choice is to choose life.

Jasmine wants to stay but I thinks she needs the break. She can always come home later. The boy is upset and wants to come home but I told him to wait. I'd love to see his dear face right now. My mom wants to come to my side. Garry is being stoic. I am overwhelmed with the amount of love and prayers I'm recieving from friends and the strength my family is showing, but I want my kids to catch a break right now...while they can, just in case.

And that my dears is what is happening and one reason I'm a bit reluctant to talk too much about the future of this farm. We might have to place things on hold this spring. We might not. Its uncertain for now.

And now....for our next trick

2012-01-26T07:45:00.001-06:00

Our next big project won't commence until Spring and that of course is the greenhouse. Its going to be attached to our south wall and will help to provide some passive heating as well as additional insulation, during winter.
We don't yet have an actual building plan for it. We don't know if we have to get a permit. We are hoping to avoid that. It will not be "occupied" so perhaps we can get away with it. We'll have to check and see if we can't find loopholes and design around them. Yes, we do avoid obeying the law by finding loopholes around here:)

Like the heater, we will be using as much salvaged materials as we can. So far, we have left over cinder block which can serve as the base, we have windows and doors, we have polycarbanate plastic sheets from a friends green house, we have some thick plastic, plenty of wood for the frame. What we would like to find more of is the polycarbonate sheeting. However, failing that, we could easily find more glass. We have some plexi glass too.

I know that it will be approximately 25'x10 feet. Beyond that, I don't know what kind of slope we will use for the roof, whether we will add duct work to move heat up to the second floor where we can heat one room that the masonry heater isn't heating or whether or not its going to be big enough to try to make a smaller version of a bioshelter rather than simply a green house.

A bio shelter is more of a living space-the big ones are meant to accommodate humans as well as fish or insect life. I know we cannot use it as a living space-just too small but I'd like to design some aquaculture into it and also some vermicompost at the very least.

I'd like to make it expandable but I'm not sure how possible that is at this point in time.

Because we are designing it ourselves, we need to make a list of all the features we want as well as deciding on some of the details-the roof for example is a bit more complicated than simply liking a rounded one, a steep one, etc. Its about the angle of the sun and how best to capture its energy in winter.

I've read the directions for that. I have to reread them again. Its not sinking in:)

Other news:
Our Green Wizard homage over on ravelry is going strong in the meantime. People are sharing resources and information with a great deal of enthusiasm. Its a conversation that has been a long time coming, one that we have had but in a scattered way in the past. Its nice to have focus. As I suspected, most of our conservative members ran for their lives. Thats just really sad.

Yesterday, a man knocked on our door. He had been sent over by Mary and Perry. What he wanted was amazing. He asked us to join the Transition Town network that he started with a few others. Its not really Transition Town as in trademark etc. Its just based on it.

Their first order of business is to gather a listing of local crafts and tradesmen and others in local commerce so that the community can print out a guidebook and we can start promoting each other.
From there, he hopes that smaller groups will connect and start working towards other issues that will come with peak oil. At that point he hopes to dissolve the umbrella group. Thats my kind of leadership.

He was here for awhile. It was the nicest part of my day yesterday.

More about the Heater and the Dalai Llama

2012-01-25T08:16:00.000-06:00

Chris asked about having to clean our masonry heaters flue system. Yes, we do have to, once a year as she noted in yesterdays comments. And yes we can despite the intricacy of the design. The image I posted yesterday makes it look tighter than it is inside. The flues are actually quite wide. They are accessible through what are known as "clean out holes"

The clean out holes are built into the exterior and covered with removable air tight iron doors. A vacuum hose will fit inside easily and make the clean up easy. Luckily we have a central vacuum unit that came with the house and it has a very very long hose.

Even though the masonry stove gives a very clean burn (very little creosote) good maintenance will be necessary on a yearly basis. Nothing is maintenance free unfortunately!

So the Dalai Llama is enjoying life here on our farm for the most part. He is lonely which is sad but spring will be here soon and we will add to our menagerie for his benefit. The last time I went out to feed him some grain (I am still hand feeding him), I wanted to go check if his barn was in good order so I entered at the solar gate. He galloped and skipped at my side, completely thrilled that he had company.

But unfortunately, he didn't think I should leave so soon! He stood first at the barn door trying to make me stay then he ran to the gate and wouldn't move! I had to distract him and move fast. I know its because he is lonely but I also know that he figured out that the fence was his gate to the rest of the world! He thought he should come with me wherever I was going next-the way he watches me with Molly on her walks.

If he let me put a lead on him, I'd love to take him for walks but he balks anytime anybody goes near his neck with anything that reminds him of being captured. He does let me pet his face now. And he loves being tickled by teasing him around his mouth. He's a sweet boy.

King of the Hill

When we redesigned his fencing and took away his big hill (he bellowed so loudly in grief that I could hear him inside the house!), we left a smaller one inside his paddock. We weren't sure he'd care for it but it didn't take him long to discover that it was satisfactory and forgive us for our cruelty. This hill is about 5 feet tall at most. We think that the old owners simply gathered all their manure and placed it here. Not sure how else it would of gotten there.

We are thinking that sheep and maybe a horse (Garry really wants one) will make this boy a happy camper at long last. We don't know how much space we will need for these animals but we don't need a hundred head of sheep. Just a few-maybe 4. Depends on what we chose to slaughter. Our land can support a few animals. Our barn cannot.

Short explanation of how a masonry heater works

2012-01-24T07:35:00.004-06:00

Think of a fireplace and you will think how romantic or cozy it is to sit in front of a lit one, but if you have an ordinary fireplace you will not think toasty warm throughout the house. Think of other wood burning stoves and you will envision warmth but also constant tending to the fire. A masonry heater is unlike both.

Masonry heaters heat efficiently because of some of the following design features- small hearth opening with an iron door that is shut tightly throughout the operation, a maze like horizontal chimney flu ( Photo here), ideally centrally located in the home but never against an exterior wall, good mass of radiant materials and fireproof materials, which all work towards a fast extremely hot, nearly clean burn. They can achieve 90%+ efficiency. We believe ours goes that high if not more.

Our house is 2 floors, 2500 square feet.Its well insulated including the basement ceiling.
To keep this home comfortably warm with a masonry heater, we build two fires a day,one in the morning and the other at night. We use around 10 logs per fire( less than half than what a friend uses for a metal stove he tells us). We open the flue, light the fire, close the door then about a half an hour later shut the flue about half way. Thats it. We do not stoke it, feed it or think about again till around dinner time unless we've one laundry which dries in a day if hung close to the heater or near the chimney.

to give an idea of the scale or our heater, here is the first course of firebrick laid out. Its about 6.5 feet across and 3.5 feet deep and over six feet tall now that its finished. This is the concrete slab and firebrick. The wall behind has to come down soon so that the heat can radiate more efficiently into the kitchen.

Our average house temperature in most rooms, even upstairs, is 75. Two rooms need a bit of help and hover around 60 due to distance from the chimney upstairs which also radiates heat. We'll figure that out eventually ( will be taking down even more walls eventually) but we don't use those rooms very much now.

So why is this working when a fireplace doesn't and why are we using less wood than our friend?
The fire that is started is an ordinary fire. Heat actually comes from smoke not flames though, so while the hearth door is tiny and kept shut and this contributes to the overall process, the main work happening is in the flue network( regular fireplaces lose heat immediately out the straight chimney) where the smoke is being held by the maze for as long as possible. This in turn heats the firebrick ( internal temps btw are around 1800 degrees), which radiates out to the common brick and outwards to heat the house. The fire dies down in about an hour. The smoke clears a little while later ( I haven't timed it). The brick continues to radiate a good heat for around 15 hours.

Our maiden voyage entailed a series of small fires for a week to dry the mortar before we built our biggest fire. You can see how tiny the hearth opening is. The firebox inside is much bigger.

We use less wood because of the size of our firebox. We can probably add more but not that much more. Say 15 logs? We could build a third fire ( The absolute max we have read in this design)if necessary but so far we haven't had the need. Lowest outdoor temps so far this year have been 25 below zero)I think we'll be fine.

Success. The curing process meant that on day one we had to build a very small fire, then on day two, one double the size, and so on until we reached full capacity. Good thing we finished in time to greet winter!

These heaters are low maintenance- the horizontal flues are accessible through port holes built on the sides. We have around a half a dustpan of ash after each fire and no coals or charred remains. Thats an efficient burn.

Our bake oven is for another day. I think I took photos But I can't find them. I haven't used it much sadly.
I hope this explains how they work. I know that its hard for people to really believe that this one heat source can keep us as warm as it does but it does. When we walk near the heater, we feel the direct heat about three feet away when its a big fire. But the house is warm with a very gentle heat-no hot air blowing your nostrils out, no regulation like with a furnace on a thermostat. No smell of logs burning.

And yes, we can walk right up to it and hug it without getting burned. The most common question we get locally is why we don't just keep the fire going by feeding it more logs. Its just not the way this was designed to work. We do not need to do this. We are not getting heat from the fire. We are getting it from the heated masonry. There is no need to keep feeding the fire.

I hope this answered some questions. I can't answer questions about the building of the heater but I can ask Garry too. I can answer questions about how it works though. So bring it on.
P.S. I do know that the concrete needs finishing. I just haven't like any of the materials I have found that could finish it with yet! I hope that Jasmine can make some custom tiles for it. It will remain unfinished until we find what we want.

Back to Basics

2012-01-23T07:29:00.002-06:00

I think I prefer a blank slate or a white blank page after all. I tried a few templates recently but either they were hard for others to read or they ended up looking cluttered so here I am back to square one-Classic Blogger Layout.

We didn't take the chance and drive Jasmine to school yesterday. We won't try until Tuesday. Lots of icy roads. A 6 hour trip might have become a 12 hour one and I simply am not interested in that.

We are preparing food for the journey now. Getting smarter here. We will leave tomorrow if the roads are declared safe. The landscape looks like the arctic circle at this moment. I'm waiting for Molly to drag me out there.

Yesterday, the wind slammed the screen door shut when I took her out. That of course swung the safety hook down. As the wind howled and I tried to pull the door open, I realized that I could very well die out there since everybody else was asleep. I would freeze to death on my porch along with Molly!

I banged and hollered for a good 10 minutes before rousing Garry. In that time, I thought that I could just go see if the Dalai Llama would let me and Molly lay down next to him in the barn or better yet, find something to break the storm window with. I was about to do that when Garry unlocked the door!

Not a good way to start the day.

So basics.............
I have not strayed. That is a harsh word for how ill I have been. I have not been productive though. I need to return to my old quest which was what? I was reading some old posts of mine on a forum and at first I didn't recognize myself. I thought somebody else wrote those things! Then I looked and it was my avatar.

I know most don't know that this is the boy from the short film Cannon Fodder by Otomo Katsuhiro, which is a day in the life of a family whose entire existence is based on a war economy. Everybody works to fight the enemy. The big jobs are in the cannon loading factories. Nobody questions. It is what it is because it was always so."Shoot and Blast With All Your Might For Our Nation"

Anyhow, I came to blogger from wordpress for some relief from my own worries and mind. I tried to keep it light and crafty at first but I couldn't push the real world away. Trying to do that will spell disaster for me eventually.
I was talking alot on those old forum posts about food politics. With passion!

I started to blog just to write about my grandmothers embroidery. It was a way to deal with grief. I took that blog down because people in the craft world that I met at that time were not interested in anything real. I was disgusted.

I started a new blog-more political with some crafts and then strayed into Simple Living but that quickly turned out to be a very unsatisfying genre and I got sick of actually giving answers to people who should know better (they said they did) but didn't and also they refused to acknowledge that I even spoke because I guess when somebody goes deeper into knowledge, its seen as one up manship or a threat or whatever. I didn't realize that I was only required to brown nose or ooh and aah and only scratch the surface of a topic and leave the rest to the big guns. I am not a sheep.
I do not read those blogs anymore and my life isn't simple either.

I think that somewhere in between being political, crafty and not simple minded is the genre that I seek. I'm very , very happy with the blogs that I read now but I don't feel like I have direction here on my own lately. I don't even actively look for comments or followers-I just don't join blogs so quickly anymore and I read so few.
I know some can't see when to take me with a grain of salt and can't tell when I'm serious. But you have to be able to read between the lines sometimes, ya know? I know that politics are a turn off and opposing the status quo a double one but jeez! If we don't do it, who will?

I guess if I posted photos of my panties on a daily basis, I could write about anything at all and have a huge following. Clean panties folks. LOL! (Idea copyrighted by yours trully unless somebody else thought of it first:)

Anyhow those forums posts were a couple of years ago. My mission here was apparently to dumb down. Mission-Fail. I can't do it. I think I stopped doing it about a month in or so. My concerns started to seep in.

I think I need a new header photo..............

Not a Resolution but a Project

2012-01-22T06:22:00.000-06:00

Some friends on ravelry and I decided to start up a thread dedicated to the Archdruid Reports Green Wizard project. We had all either missed the start of the program entirely or came in later on when it was well under way. Not that we didn't benefit to a degree and yes, we all read his blog but were not regulars.

We didn't know where to find the first post in the series so I emailed him and he kindly gave me the link which is this.

Another note is that as preppers we have a great deal of the skills and knowledge that he recommends and though we could all say we are already Green Wizards and then some, there is always more to learn-much more to perfect and many experiences left to gain. I think even our most experienced prepper agrees that she can stand to learn a thing or two.

In reality, this isn't really entirely about prepping by stocking up on material goods and weapons. Its about learning and preserving skills for the future. Knowledge that can get lost in decline can be preserved instead and if the time ever comes where the blind are ready to open their eyes, the masters will be there to teach.

What we are doing really is studying. We are now on day 3 of the thread and some of us are on the second post. Not sure how many members we will end up with. I think the term "Green Wizard" will automatically turn of any of our conservative members (we have only a few in this group because I designed it to be a safe haven for liberal preppers of the radical religious or atheist persuasion or general non conservative variety). Yes, I am the groups founder.

However, the amount of participation is not the point. We are interested and that is enough.

First order of business is to get ahold of some reading materials which the Archdruid proposes in the second post. There is alot of buzz in the group regarding what each of us would like to focus on. The list he provides for skills is open ended. If you read that first post, read the 219 comments as well. Great minds gather there for the most part.

If you decide to follow this project at the Archdruids site, then just take it one step at a time. I am sure that many of you are already familiar with it but many of you may only be aware on a smaller level like I was. If you are on ravelry and would like to join my group, just email me and I'll give its name. If you are not on ravelry then following independently at the Archdruids blog will be just as easy though the project started over a year ago I think.

I'll probably update my own progress here now and then. I'm not going to decide yet what I want to focus on first. I know we will build an attached green house here this spring so I might try to do more research on that aspect. I am interested in passive solar in general. Or I might focus on the many types of compost. Or the growing of grains or animals for meat (I can't believe I'm saying that!).

As I said the list is very open ended.

We are going to drive Jasmine to school today in what looks like very bad weather. Very bad idea. I hope that Garry sees the sense in waiting until Tuesday when it will be clear and sunny. Jasmine doesn't mind one bit!

Support

2012-01-21T09:34:00.001-06:00

One of the things that I think is wrong when a person has a mystery illness (fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, yeast overgrowth, etc) is that the family members usually are not there for the the diagnosis or the recommendations. That is something that can lead to a lot of problems within relationships.
Family will want to know if one is dying. When they find out that that the disease is chronic but won't kill a person, they are naturally relieved. But they have missed the recommendations and though a patient will tell them everything, I think that by not being present for the appointment the seriousness is missed.

Which is why I think that so many with mystery illness feel that they lack support and understanding from loved ones. A doctor may or may not talk about family support to the patient. I think its assumed that there will be support.

Did you all know that when I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia back in 1993, nobody knew a thing about it? There was no cure, no medications, no cause, no prognosis. Alot of doctors thought that it was something that therapy could take care of. "All in your head". Alot of doctors thought it was depression (wouldn't you be depressed if you woke up one morning and couldn't walk or hold your babies-your entire life obliterated literally overnight?) and alot of patients report being abused by these doctors. I was no exception.

This attitude carried over to family and society at large. If you are not on medication (there was nothing at all for it back then) and you are not dying, then its all in your head. One day, my little ones asked me if I was lazy! They asked innocently enough of course but I realized that this is exactly how it looked to others.

Fibromyalgia patients and CFS patients have reported a definite lack of support from family. There have been suicides and divorces.
I always thought that family should be involved from the start by going to appointments with their loved ones. At the very least, a second appointment should be set where the doctor talks to the support team about what is going on, what is needed, what is helpful, what support is, how important it might be for the support team to take time off, etc. etc. They are a part of the medical team whether doctors want to admit this or not.

Garry has never been to a doctors appointment with me. He has always worked so of course he couldn't be there. I wasn't dying so he didn't need to be there. I don't need him to hold my hand in such cases. Once though, we found a lump in my breast and he took the day off to go to the doctors with me. He wouldn't of dreamed of letting me go there on my own given the possibilities. He isn't cold hearted or unloving-just practical.

Yet our relationship has suffered due to mystery chronic illness. Not as badly as others. Just more about misunderstanding. I want him to understand but I am a bit reticent in sharing how I feel in part because I will be admitting that I am not able to be as independent as I want to be. Initially, he was quite resentful about my illness. Not that he meant it towards me-just at the disease itself.
It took alot of navigating to save our relationship. Its not just about the patient. Imagine how it feels to not be able to walk one day. Then imagine how it must feel for your loved ones to see you like that-how frightening it is to them.

With this new diet, I feel that I have gone back to step one again. We managed to come to terms with fibromyalgia together over time. We are now in a strange place again with candida. I don't like it. I need alot more support than I ever did but I find myself rejecting that support.
For example, the other day, I thought I was going to just die. I felt so rotten! Then I realized that I needed protein immediately. I was having a hypoglycemia attack which has worsened on this diet. I was shaking and feeling faint. Garry walked in as I was trying to crack an egg.
"Why didn't you ask me to do this?!!" he demanded.
I don't know why-well I do. I feel helpless and want to be independent so won't ask for help. I don't want to go back to navigating our relationship in the same way as we had to with fibromyalgia. That was painful. Maybe I didn't learn the lessons but Garry clearly did.

Lord, Save Us

2012-01-20T06:36:00.000-06:00

...From Your Followers is a really quirky, honest documentary and as the title suggests, the issue is about evangelical or fundamentalist Christians and how far they have strayed from Christs Gospel of Love and have come to be considered a huge menace at best by the rest of rational society.

The filmmaker goes on a quest to show behavior that reflects real Christian Love while at the same time, telling the truth through the eyes of what he terms "seculars" which means liberals.
"Yo, you fundies are hurtful and hateful. Knock it off!" That kind of thing.

You all must realize that I am going to heaven on gold gilded wings by now so why did I watch this film and why would I recommend it?

I related to "those hurt by fundamentalism and its hate". Simple as that. I see it on prepper blogs all the time which is why I don't read them anymore. I see it on the forums I moderate too. And I lived next door to a woman in Chicago who was downright murderous in her hate of things such as homosexuality and Islam. Loudly murderous (referring here to her level of anger). She let everybody and sundry know. I used to find her on the back porch trying to convert our Muslim neighbors who used to sit politely but offended-perhaps mesmerized by the pure insanity.

In other words, they get in your face whenever they can with the idea that their hate is going to convert everybody to the Gospel Of Love.
This films acknowledges this tendency. It wasn't really made for people like me but then I would fall into the secular portion of society since I suppose I'm a liberal although I count myself as a Christian (not good enough, one must be Saved to be a "real" Christian).

This film was positive throughout pretty much which is good. It hopes to open up dialog between the two groups interviewed. And it does on camera. But I think that if fundies in particular don't bother to watch it, its not going to have any affect at all.

A great scene was a sort of "Family Feud" type game show-liberals against fundie conservatives. I wasn't surprised to see that the liberals won by a landslide. The conservatives said that they were surprised that liberals not only had better general knowledge but even answered questions pertaining to the conservatives which they didn't even know themselves.

Thats pretty sad but when a sub group purposely censors information and then twists what gets through to fit their own opinions, what do you get?

Anyhow, its on Netflix. Watch it. I don't know if it will do any good, but watch it anyway.

Lifestyle

2012-01-19T12:43:00.001-06:00

I was thinking that my life sucks and the reason for this is that I don't see my current diet as a part of me. I see it as a hindrance which it is. But to change this, I have to change only my attitude- not my diet. I need to see this as a lifestyle change, which if I decided to go vegan, I'd embrace. So why not this anti everything, " Devils Own" diet then? Because its pure evil, thats why.

Then we got a call. One of my beloved gruff old men had a stroke. He is doing well but I got to thinking about his health prior to the stroke. He smoked and drank. He kept busy though not with excercise. He was upset at how Walmart fired him after years of loyalty and thinks its because he was going to qualify for more pay and benefits. He was happy, but also tense. He was thin. If his diet was typical of this region, then it included lots of salt ( and coffee). Stroke.

And another friend called. She has fibromyalgia too and her symptoms were acting up. She had called to check up on me but we ended up talking about her diabetic husband who recently went to Mayo Clinic and was told one thing- lifestyle change.

So maybe, my life doesn't really suck. It could suck worse for sure. Maybe my diet from hell is really manna from heaven. They didn't use yeast back in biblical times...har, har.

Then another call- invited to dinner for a friends birthday. A pizza joint. Garry assures me the place has other food, such as steak and salad (another friends son owns it). I hope so because I have to attend (wouldn't dream of not going)and don't want to make a scene at the restaurant. We have to call ahead and find out. I'll eat something at home if there is nothing on their menu for me.
Its a party but we'll pay for my food. This will offend the hosts maybe. I hate being "special" but I'd not expect the hosts to pay because I am.

At the co-op, a cute young man was more than helpful when I asked for mochi.He really just wanted to impress Jasmine I think. They didn't have mochi because it doesn't sell. The manager came out and said that the next time he visits Minneapolis he can bring me some. I declined since another co-op has it. I asked if they were always going to carry the coconut kefir and they said no, it doesn't sell either. The manager gave me a free bottle and said I could take the rest if I wanted. I didn't- the expiry dates were too close.
Nice people though.

That means that if my local population realized I was special, they'd all eat mochi and drink coconut kefir so that Ms. Special can find these things everywhere right?

It also means that they would benefit directly. The more I read about my whole ordeal and feel positive changes, the more I think everybody could stand some dietary replacements such as coconut instead of dairy or brown rice mochi instead of most breads.

Maybe a healthy lifetyle is painful only due to the mainstream lifestyle being prevalent and in your face. I'm trying this idea on for size for awhile.

Garden Dreaming

2012-01-18T06:24:00.000-06:00

I've been relying on ethnic food (my favorite is South East Asian) and as a result I have been visiting cooking blogs written by people who live in the southern hemisphere. I love my garden when its available but these blogs show pictures of the native terrain or the food markets and I then want to move to the southern hemisphere to garden there instead of being here.

All that year round green! All those succulent fruits! Everybody dressed in summer clothes. Yesterday, I was thinking about (dreaming about) selling this place and moving to Australia. I know that this is not going to give me that beautiful lifestyle in the same sense of say living in Bali or Tahiti. But I know we can't and probably shouldn't.

I'm not serious. No way no how. I am fairly content here. Its probably more stable climate wise than anywhere else right now. A heated green house could possibly grow some of those succulent fruits and we are not going to heat our greenhouse ever. I know my reality and I accept it.

Today, I am buying seed starting medium if I can find it and looking to see what I can use that I have on hand by way of containers for starting some seeds. I am targeting the end of this month for sowing some seeds. The plan is coming together.

This should get me out of dream mode and into the life that I have chosen while satisfying my desire to be out in the garden rather than stuck inside living on fantasy all the time:)

A Head Start On Spring

2012-01-17T07:10:00.000-06:00

I had forgotten that one of my goals for this year was to try to sell plant starts in the spring. This plan relied on having a green house and when we didn't get to that project, I put the idea on the back burner. But somebody reminded me about Survival Podcast yesterday and so I went over to catch up. I haven't been listening for a while. I found the episode Growing For Market with guest Steve Green. I realized that I could still do this but that I have to get on it fast.

The best resource is The Greenhouse Guy for further information-Steve Greens blog.
He mentions in the pod cast that anything you don't sell, you can either plant for yourself or plant and sell later as ripened fruit or vegetable. That was my reasoning as well.

One thing I wanted to do was to grow flowers for me. I don't have a great deal of seeds so have to start ordering them. I would like to offer heirloom tomatoes and a couple of herbs too. I'm not going full hog since this is a pilot project. I need to see how well a business venture like this does locally. If it does do well, then I am thinking about fall plantings too-things that get planted latter in the year-flowers that bloom later, cabbage, ornamental kale-things like that.

I'm glad that I was reminded! Seriously been in deep hibernation mode lately!

A must read for anybody breathing

2012-01-16T06:57:00.001-06:00

We all know somebody who will resist financial reality or the fact that we do need to prepare as best we can for the uncertain future. This list will help a great deal (if you can get them to read it first and then believe it on top of that).
24 Stats To Crush Anyone Who Thinks America Has a Bright Future

The article ends on a somewhat bright note stating that prepping is the way to survive this scary future but if you didn't start prepping when you had a job or money to spare, I don't think it will be easy now.
If you are one in this situation, Sharyn Astyk deals with this situation, but I can't find the post right now. Her site is worth digging around regardless.

Others say that a garden will be the most helpful. I agree that its helpful. But its not possible for everybody. Perhaps looking for gleaning opportunities will help fill that gap? Food Pantries are starting to rely on this so you might have competition if you are an individual.

We gleaned just a bit last summer. Seems that a certain organic food supplier only wants perfect shaped produce. They won't take things that are skewed in some way-say a heart shaped potato or a bulging on one side green bean.
The market wants their organic produce to look like conventional produce. Strange.

So we got some fresh produce from Mary at her farm in this way. We got green beans and cabbage. They were not going to be able to sell these to the supplier and they also didn't want to do the work for the farmers market. Mary's farm isn't the only one going through this selection process. A friend went up to the organic suppliers collection point last fall and bought butternut squash for next to nothing. The trucks picked these up and then the company rejected it so were selling it to get rid of the supply. Look for small organic farms to see if you can't glean something.

I know that Linda at Practical Parsimony has a few other ideas that she shares-freeganism (or safaris) as she calls them.

The reality is that we must all realize by now that the U.S. is most likely going to go to war with Iran. There is a lot of information out there on the topic so look it up but the main point right now I want to make is that another war (this time the thought is that it will lead to WW3) will crash the global economy.
There is nothing we can do to prevent this from happening. None of this is in our control. What we can control is how well we will fair and how we will manage to survive. Things are not looking good people. I wish I could say better things in a brighter tone but I can't lie.

The frugal result of my shopping trip

2012-01-15T08:35:00.001-06:00

First (and only mistake) was that I ordered a diet cola which if I wasn't starving I wouldn't of done in a million years. It was the only non sugary drink the restaurant had. I could of course have ordered a soda water with lemon juice instead. We had a gift card to this place so we didn't spend actual money here.
I ate a grilled salmon, a salad which I dressed with lemon juice and olive oil and steamed vegetables which the place didn't slather butter on. The soda of course had caffeine in it so I spent the night tossing and turning and thinking about things that I wish I didn't know about-like the situation with Iran.

However, our first stop was at a Habitat for Humanity store where at long last we found a front door. It's 36 inches wide, fiber glass and heavily insulated. Its painted magenta on the outside (will be solid black in no time) and it has a peep hole. We need to buy nobs and hardware but that isn't going to be a problem. We paid 40 dollars for this door.
When we went to the big box hardware store, we tried to special order a front door similar to this. They wanted 1200 and something dollars and they refused to give us any customization options. I then found out that the doors were mostly made in Brazil with some minor touching up in Iowa. So we walked away.

So far, the three doors we have bought (the two we had the Amish install were 60 dollars each, brand new at an auction) have cost us 160 dollars. We paid for hardware too but I think that came to another 50 dollars at most and will be another 30 or so for this latest addition. I'm not entirely sure exactly how much the hardware was so am not adding it to the total yet. Imagine, one new door was 1200 dollars without hardware mind you! I highly recommend salvage type places like Habitat to anybody looking to replace or remodel. Yes, you have to keep looking but each time we have been there, we found something we needed at a great bargain so time was never wasted there.

Woodmans (the employee owned supermarket) came through for me on-get this-yeast free, dairy free, gluten free bread! The co-ops don't have this brand with all the allergens removed at all but they sell other specialty breads for 6 dollars a loaf. Woodmans sells this loaf for 3.50. I don't know yet if I will like it or not. I also noticed that Woodmans price on coconut milk is 2.69-not a sale price. The co-ops charge 3. 99. Woodmans has a huge allergy free isle actually (never had a reason to notice this till now) and their prices were great!

We did buy stuff at the co-op on sale. I confess, I bought fake cheese. I am craving pizza. The cheese is highly rated by vegans who say to use it sparingly because it really melts. In my caffeine high last night I found myself thinking about how grateful I really am to vegans because I think they helped to open up a food supply chain that benefits those of us who can't have certain animal products and yet, we still need to eat and have cravings just like everybody else.

And finally, I bought a really cute wool coat-similar to a pea coat but fitted, one size down from what I normally would of bought mind you-for 10 dollars-brand new at Target (gift card again). I needed a coat that I could wear that wasn't too big but also didn't look like I just walked out of the barn.

And there was more. Much more but that is enough for one post. Any frugal finds on your end lately?

Recreating My Big City Food Shopping Experience

2012-01-14T06:38:00.000-06:00

I always get excited when we plan to visit La Crosse which is not as large as Chicago by a long shot but large enough that I feel like I'm in a big city again. La Crosse is nowhere near as ethnic as Chicago so food shopping is not as much fun but it will do.

I'm still struggling with finding variety in the local grocery stores in our local town. Not just variety, but quality and cost too. Before, this complaint was because I was a secret foodie. Now, its a matter of finding foods that I can eat.

We plan on going to the Peoples Co-op for specialty items and then to Woodmans which is an employee owned grocery store which seems to have things on par with some of Chicagos more mainstream stores. What is still missing in my life is the produce store.

I know alot of towns don't have these. A produce store just sells fresh fruits, vegetables and dairy. They often have a deli too. Some have bakeries but they all offer fresh bread at the very least. In Chicago they have a few isles for imported ethnic ingredients-Polish, Asian, Middle Eastern, Bosnian, Greek. Most foods are cheaper than at the supermarket. Woodmans has a pretty good variety in that sense and do a decent job at providing fair prices.

La Crosse has an Aldis but not a Trader Joes which I think is odd. Aldis owns Trader Joes after all but I suppose with all the local co-ops a TJ's wouldn't do as well as in larger cities. However, I have noticed that Aldis does endeavor to provide more sophisticated foods now and then so I am not sure that I'm missing out on much.

We used to shop at several sources in Chicago-the supermarket, several produce stores, ethnic stores, Aldis/TJ and if we had to, we would go to Whole Foods-usually for meat or specialty foods like kudzu or ume plum.
We still shop like that here-sourcing from a wider variety of places including real butcher shops for meat (or buying a herd share).

The only thing missing is the ethnic stores and though Woodmans has that section, they only have foods. In Chicago, one could buy things like bento boxes, herbs, clothing, trinkets, cooking utensils and specialty seasonal items like keffir lime leaves or galangal or fresh dates from Tunisia sold on the vine. All sold by natives of the given country too. That is what is really missing here-the full on experience of culture.

I'll always miss that.

Whats your shopping experience like?

Its Winter Again!

2012-01-13T07:40:00.001-06:00

Yesterday morning, I took little Molly out for her morning business and after one dive into a snow bank, she smartened up, did her business then ran back inside. The wind was so vicious!

It snowed on and off all day, maybe 4 inches all up but with wind drift, we had bald patches of grass and 12+ inch accumulations in different areas. Today will remain cold. I'm not sure if more snow is in the forecast or not. It doesn't matter since we are staying home.

The good news is that for the first time in the history of mankind, the snow plow trucks didn't push the snow against our front door or bury our cars. They actually moved it to the electric pole which we designated as the snow collection area.

It only took them 3 years to actually comply after agreeing to do this. The last time they buried my car, I called the sheriff to press criminal charges. He refused of course saying it wasn't criminal. I beg to differ since my car was on private property and this property isn't a county snow storage facility, though couldn't find statutes to prove it. I promised to keep looking. The county sent some men out to dig my car out.

Then last February, we were up here and it snowed again. We heard the plow coming, heading straight for our front door. We ran outside shaking our fists at the driver. He stopped and Garry had words with him. He begrudgingly agreed to not drop the snow at our front door. At that point he would of had to plow me down to do that anyway.

What did he do instead? Our mean neighbor has a set of stairs that come down onto the street. Her house is on a small hill and the stairs lead to her sidewalk. The snow plow guy decided to deposit the snow on her staircase! Not a few feet away which would of been just as easy but smack dab on the stair case!

I personally thought it was funny for a few reasons-the guy just had to do something evil! He was intent on it! But the funnier thing is that everybody around here didn't think that our snow issues were a big deal. When it was them-boy were they mad! She came over all upset and ranting to Garry. I smiled the whole time and told her we watched him do it. She waited for a solution from me-"Power to the People" and all that, but I said nothing more. Garry said something polite. I rolled my eyes.

So good to not be in the midst of such mind games. So very good!

Changes

2012-01-12T07:38:00.002-06:00

I have come across a couple of solutions to my yeast allergy which current conventional wisdom states is flat out wrong. I actually am trying to find out if the information I found was right or wrong too but what I notice is a couple of things in the candida diet genre:

The diet is standard across the board with few exceptions but alot of people are trying to sell supplements with their diets. Expensive supplements that are not proven to work anymore than the information I came across. There is a slippery slope when somebody is selling a product in my opinion.

And.
I suspect that nothing is actually successful. Some claim to have been cured and more power to them. Others claim that a cure is impossible which I don't believe. Improbable perhaps but maybe this is because there is something wrong in the treatment?

The basic idea: starve off the extra candida yeast while avoiding actual eradication and in the meantime, repopulate the gut with friendly bacteria which will naturally keep candida in check while at the same time, healing the gut.

No easy feat.

Even without dairy allergy, dairy is to be avoided which means no yogurt. Even if yogurt was allowed, the idea is that it doesn't contain enough variety of beneficial bacteria to be adequate. Miso is allowed by some and not by others. Macrobiotics uses miso to heal the gut lining but conventional treatment thinks that this has to wait until later. Ditto for fermented foods in general like sauerkraut. So basiclly, yeast is being starved for period of time and though repopulation is a key feature of healing, while the yeast starves, the patient is forbidden foods that repopulate the body at such a crucial time.
Maybe I'm not understanding this as well as I think. But if I am, this is a vicious circle from the start.

Recently, I made rejuvelac which is a grain ferment that is used by some to help with candida overgrowth. It can be made from a multitude of grains but wheat is the original one. It can even be made with cabbage.

I used wheat and after three days, I drank it. It must be made fresh constantly so that wild yeasts don't overtake the ferment. Of course it tasted mediocre but I noticed an immediate change in my stomach-a positive change.
I then read that this could be used to ferment seed yogurts or to replace sourdough starter to bake bread which I tried out. It worked. I could digest it really well and didn't notice anything weird for eating it. I didn't eat alot of it, just enough to test it.
Rejuvelac is a lacto ferment-similar to sauerkraut.

A friend online wanted the seed yogurt recipe and I gave it to her and mentioned the bread. She worried that it was the yeast on the wheat berries that caused the ferment. I agree that this was probably true to an extent, but I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing in this case.

Another person piped in saying that this was exactly what her own doctor warned against when he told her to avoid yeast. She didn't address me but my friend who doesn't have candida, so I didn't respond. What could I say?I don't agree with that kind of thinking at this point. Its limited.

I have found countless sources (empirical evidence which all this yeast stuff seems to be anyhow) that rejuvelac is exactly what a candida patient needs. Patient after patient swear by it.

We need to fix our body ecology so that it can work on its own and rejuvelac seems to do the job safely.

On the other hand, I tried kombucha after reading how good it was for candida and guess what? I got sick nearly immediately. So it comes down to something outside of simply saying yeast is bad. Fungus is bad. What kind of yeast? What kind of fungus? And for whom?

Further. There is a bakery that makes yeast free bread and never in their history have they introduced bakers yeast to the premises. Their bread (just flour and water) rises in 8 hours all on its own. Flour has yeast in it already. Grains too. They're a very successful operation apparently. Yeast free everything, which isn't trully yeast free because that is nearly impossible.

So I decided to take a step back on some of the dietary issues that I am facing. I'm not a microbiologist and can't say for certain that I'm on the right track here but I am going to keep asking these questions while making key changes to this diet of mine that will help me to heal regardless of whether another person or their doctor, believes or doesn't believe that a food is acceptable.

Its not that I believe they are all wrong. To the contrary. I believe they are half right. That just isn't good enough when it is me suffering.

About Weight Loss

2012-01-11T07:35:00.000-06:00

The other day during a t.v. commercial for some food delivery diet, a lady whose body looked like mine was stating that she lost 35 lbs. She looked like I do now and her before looked like my own before. But she claimed that she was now a size 2!
I got to thinking about that. I weigh as much as her and we have a similar body shape and I am now a size 10. When I weighed in at 95 lbs. I was a size 7. Moral of the story? She lied. I'm sure of it. And the other moral is that it doesn't matter what size you are. I will never be a size 2.

I know two ladies that are as size 2 and believe me, the lady on the commercial didn't look like she could share clothes with them. One is Asian and has no hips, butt or thighs at all. The other is Cuban and is very small boned and lean. The woman on t.v. still had a bit of a belly and she had hips and thighs. There is something insidious about such false advertising.
Don't we get enough of this crap in fashion magazines?

I'd not object if she left it at "I lost 35 lbs!" That is relevant and for some of us, necessary. But we will not all miraculously fit into the accepted glamorous size 2 or less because we had successful weight loss. We don't need the implication that if we starve enough we can fit into the sophisticated size 2 or less. We just need to focus on our own personal best which cannot be achieved if we focus on what the fashion industry now calls feminine but for most body types is unhealthy, ugly and down right dangerous.

I continue to lose more weight-another five lbs. Now, I don't know that its due to anything but having a restricted diet-no yeast has meant less carbs in general and of course no sugar goes a long way. Plus, as much as I adored cheese-that is a fat that maybe my body simply didn't need as far as weight goes and I ate it all the time.

Infact, I know that since Garry is eating what I eat, he has lost weight too and its not likely that his weight loss has anything do with illness.
But I don't like it.
Here is why: I am 5'1" or thereabouts. I now weigh in at 135 lbs. Its not my ideal weight as far as charts and things like that. Those things state that at my height, I should be around 120. At that weight, I am bony. Despite being short-I'm almost a pear shape. Nice and feminine. A bit of curve on top too. If I lose more weight, I won't look good. I know this because I have weighed even less than 120 lbs.

My daughter is tinier than me and weights more than I do. She is about 3 inches taller and a size 7 if that counts. Her weight is muscle weight. Doctors have tried to say that she needed to lose weight in the past because they use those charts.
The last time this happened, I got angry and made them take a BMI. She was fine. I didn't want her thinking that she was in need of losing weight when she was perfectly fine. She has always been athletic and does alot of dance and yoga so she really was at her own personal healthy weight. The charts don't take much into consideration and in the same way, neither does dress size.

Not saying here that if you need to lose weight that the charts might not be helpful if you have an average body type. But if you really are serious about healthy weight loss-get a BMI test and use that to gauge your progress rather than charts which never measure a thing other than height/weight.

My next stage-in order to avoid more weight loss is to try to increase calorie intake-the usual struggle. Just eat more! But the other aspect is that I need to start building muscle too. Even though I needed to lose that weight, I am not at my personal best since I don't exercise enough. As I gain muscle, I will gain weight. It should be as simple as that.

I don't want to know what dress size you are today but do you focus on that issue when you say you are trying to lose weight? If so, why?

The State Of Climate Change

2012-01-10T07:58:00.001-06:00

I was directed to the Extinction Protocal last night. Its a pretty gloomy collection of weather events happening all over the world along with political upheaval. I didn't realize that 7 volcanoes were becoming active in Indonesia! I have been avoiding the news in general. Lots of other disturbing things too. One might not want to visit when in a low mood.

A friend on a forum has a theory that earth is trying to balance not self destruct. I'm not sure if that is any better than self destruction for us humans-she doesn't deny that its going to rough, just that there might be hope for us if we start learning to adapt.

I like her theory but at the same time, if earth was to re-balance, it still can't handle the world wide population and the amount of natural resources we all would need just to survive so a huge die off seems to be a part of that re-balance to me.

Maybe folks not learning to adapt is a good thing then? That sounds very cruel to me but if we think about it-that is what it might amount to in the end.

The sad thing is that we cannot pick and chose who will stay and who will go. Evil folks might be the ones more likely to instinctively adapt in place. Good people might crumble fast or fall as victims to the evil ones. Its not like we will start with Utopia. And with human nature as it is, we won't end up there either.

Another sign of confusion. My Walking Onions-usually the first to grow in spring, are turning green and edible in January. Not all of them but quite a few.

I think that if we learn to adapt as my friend suggests, we need to start paying attention to our gardens-namely the perennials-and keeping careful notes because without food or the ability to produce it in a timely manner, we are not going to get very far.

How do we adapt to such a strange growing pattern when its nothing like what we know?

Lesson Learned On Food

2012-01-09T07:30:00.000-06:00

Well, I'm certainly sometimes a fool. When I had to get rid of yeasted breads, I panicked and did what I shouldn't of done. I looked for alternative bread. I made some. I disliked it. And because of that, I didn't eat like I should. I mean, I skipped meals. Which made me feel much, much worse.

Then I realized that if anybody was equipped for such a dietary requirement it was me. My favorite kind of cooking is ethnic and many ethnic cuisines don't rely on bread at all. My own in fact is bread based but only for some meals. The rest is rice based.

I did make breads that would work for me but I can't actually eat many of the things that go on bread-peanut butter, lunch meats, cheese, butter, vegemite. So there is nearly no point.

Years ago, I took my little girl to an Ayurvedic practitioner for her then undiagnosed food allergy symptoms. The lady told me to feed the baby Basmati rice because its the easiest rice to digest. This turned out to be true for the little girl.

I bought some while in Chicago and started to eat it regularly here. And sure enough, its working to soothe my stomach. I've had a few days running without problems and I've felt full too. I've been making middle eastern stews and today I'll make a hearty soup-not with the rice but with barley.

I'm cooking like my mother does. I'm getting stronger daily. I am not sure that the crisis past me by yet or not. I have to still follow up with a traditional doctor to rule out things like colitis or even things like endometriosis. We found a sliding scale clinic nearby that will not only do the physicals, they will help us with navigating through not having insurance should my diagnosis require extensive treatment or medications that we couldn't afford. There are more services out there than I thought.

So what have I learned? That food can be medicine (I knew that but couldn't practice it all the time prior to this). And food can be poison. Also knew this but was pretty sure that I was exempt from this rule.
I learned that it isn't what I couldn't eat that counted but what I could. As I got stronger, I started to cook again. My husband is a dear and a good cook but his repertoire is limited to meat and potatoes. I let him cook the meat still because the man can cook meat like a genius. But I take care of the menu and the rest.

With no sugar and caffeine my mind seems clearer. I am taking an herb to help with yeast overgrowth which causes what is known as "die off" and most of the problems I encounter are to do with this. When yeast isn't fed, it dies. This releases toxins into the body until they move out of the system. It hurts and its tiring. But its necessary. And it must be done slowly because to do this in one go will really hurt the body through toxic overload.

The body is one thing but I am noticing more of a change in my mind than in my body. I am naturally pessimistic I thought. It turns out this wasn't really true. It could be the coffee and sugar but I think its the general overhaul of my system. I was toxic. My mind reacted too.

Anyhow thats my current progress. I know that I'll be struggling for awhile with symptoms and die off and even backsliding/cravings. Thats just human nature. Its also the nature of the beast-candida doesn't want to starve to death of course.

Another Award!

2012-01-08T07:32:00.000-06:00

I was feeling down last night so headed over to Elegant Blessings where Annie seems to always manage to restore my faith in mankind only to find out that she awarded me with the

I have to pass this award on to three bloggers and then tell 7 obscure things about myself (just 7?!:)

I always have a hard time with awarding a limited number of blogs because if I actually do read you then I do love you and think you all deserve it! I thought I'd pick 3 that I haven't picked before with my last award though I do love the three that I did! (oh the guilt!)

Anita over at Take Joy because she has the Cutest Cats known to man. Plus she does charity knitting and crochet and we understand each other. She gardens and does a lot of reading which one day I hope to also do.
Soapbox Tech-Jerry is long time friend and blogger who lives up in Canada and helps manage his family farm. Interesting perspective on the ways of the world. I have the honor of being the first ever to have commented on his blog!
Mary over at WunderMary Says, writes alot about vintage sewing and collects vintage sewing notions. Mary is somebody I know in real life and feel honored to have met.

Obscure things about me:
1. I am psychic though I don't practice or hone the skill
2. When I was little I really believed that if I ate Imperial Margin a crown would magically appear on my head like in the commercials.
3. That is because I have had secret dreams of ruling the world since the day I was born!
4. I have mild ADD so therefore my favorite passtime is daydreaming
5. I skipped 3 semesters of high school and was in college at 17
6. I talk to plants though they don't talk back to me (I promise!)
7. I'm that one person who will notice the one man in a crowd of 500 forgot to zip up his zipper!

That wasn't so bad!
Thanks Annie-not only for the award but for your kind words too!

Food Allergies and the Prepper

2012-01-07T06:30:00.000-06:00

We got a new member on one of the forums that I moderate who has Celiac disease. She professed to be a newbie prepper and was asking for guidance in how to go about storing foods for the future. I think only one woman with Celiac herself was able to answer questions on that for our new member but she answered thoroughly.

This might not seem like a big deal but I think when you are new to something (either prepping or to a new health requirement or both) it gets a bit confusing for a while. Most information in the prepper world is geared towards foods that some cannot eat-the common stuff-wheat, milk powder, sugar, etc. and most tips in the allergy world don't include prepping at all. Until that post, I hadn't even thought about that part of my life.

Note: I am not returning to writing about prepping here on a regular basis but wanted to plug my friend Carolyns blog for those looking for a clean non political non religious prepping site. Okay, back to the topic.

Speaking only for my own needs here-non dairy, non yeast (and also a careful watch on sugar), I have had to make the following changes:
Dairy:
I relied on evaporated milk and dried milk plus hoped to raise sheep for milk but will be adding canned coconut milk and cream for short term storage. My family will still use the dairy products. I am going to look into dehydrated forms of non dairy powders, but in the meantime, I know that I can make "milk" from rice, almonds or oats. I therefore need to increase my storage of these ingredients as well.

Yeast:
There is no real reason to replace yeast. I have figured out that I can make bread type of products without it and without baking powder too. A post coming up on that soon. The problem here is not replacing it but eliminating it so I have to read labels very carefully on canned meats which I stock up on as well as soups and other processed foods. I might have to eliminate the purchase of these foods in favor of pressure canning next year.
A big culprit is actually peanuts and peanut butter! But I can replace these with other nut butters. Note to self: figure out if my hazel nut tree is ever going to produce anything. If not, plant another!

Sugar:
We do have the beehives and no, honey in abundance is not anymore allowable than sugar is at this time. This can and will change as I improve but I will always have to be very careful since its a trigger to chronic pain. This means that any jams I make next year have to be sugar free ones. An alternative is to can fruits in water. In the meantime, I can have Stevia so I will plant it and learn to use it.

Vinegar:
I still can use it for cleaning but I cannot eat it anymore so this means that I cannot rely on that type of pickling. I have to rely on fermentation. I can make salsas with lime or lemon juice so I am actually thinking of getting a couple of indoor dwarf lemon trees! Lemons are not sustainable otherwise.

That is the basic blueprint. I have more complex dietary requirements that fall under the above categories as well but with this plan, the other things follow naturally. It isn't as hard for me as it will be for those with Celiac or more serious issues but I believe that with careful planning its doable for anybody. Learning new methods of cooking and preserving is a big part of this.

For example, though brown rice has a short shelf life, it can be cooked then dehydrated to extend that shelf life thus providing better nutrition than white rice. This was one tip from the forum mentioned above. Learning how to make "milks" is easy and also how to make other things like alternative ferments to replace other dairy ones. There are alot of alternatives out there and all are accessible though some (like coconut milk and cream) are neither cheap nor sustainable in my area. That is why its important to learn skills though and to learn about nutrition in general.

A final word- on "energy bars". For those of us that need to eat low on the glycemic index most of these are asking for big trouble because they rely on refined sugar and other carbs nearly exclusively. If I ate a cup of sugar, I'd feel better than after I ate a granola bar. This is a food that many of us think of as survival food but its a huge mistake to believe this. A chocolate bar like a Snickers works better for me in actuality.
I want to suggest that you all look into making pemmican instead. I'm going to see if I can make time to make it soon and will post if I do. It makes more sense to rely on energy from protein and fats than from a huge sugar load in an emergency.

Have you any tips to share? Have you made pemmican? Have you had to work around a food allergy or other illness while prepping?

Amazing

2012-01-06T07:24:00.000-06:00

The thing I hate about train travel is that we have to leave to pick up the children exactly at dinner time. I can't time my appetite to eat before hand. I have a hard time with appetite lately and its just harder when we are busy. I try of course but fail most often.

I managed a smoothy-frozen strawberries, coconut milk and coconut yogurt (I found it!) plus a handful of spinach. It sounds weird but it was great. I was still hungry though.So once again, I thought to rely on Mexican food.

We had little time though so we pulled into a fast food place and ordered tacos at the drive through. I told Garry, "Emphasize "no cheese". He did.
The female voice confirmed the order then asked, "Is the "no cheese" because of dairy allergy?" I thought I was dreaming. Garry confirmed.
Seems that this place-Taco Johns-a fast food place mind you-is aware and willing to work with people with some food allergies. I'm not sure what they did at their end besides be extra careful to keep my order seperate from the dairy bin but they at least asked.

Even sit down restaurants don't like to deal with this issue. The waitstaff doesn't care or they just don't know if food has certain things in it. That is the fault of management but when I was waitressing all I had to do was go to the kitchen and ask the chef if I didn't know. I mean, I'd do it if somebody wanted to know if they could have extra onions or something so why not if somebody couldn't have an ingredient? Chefs don't necessarily like to be bothered like that-some really don't like it at all-but its my tip so too bad.

Anyhow. I was pleased. I could of made it at home but didn't have the time. It was nice. I felt normal for once!

Where did I find the coconut yogurt? Right there by my knees in the co-op. I am used to seeing things at eye level or higher in the dairy section. I've never seen alternative dairy placed down below by the knees. It was there the whole time just waiting for me.
Ironic since I look on lower shelves in other sections for the better deals. These coconut items were not great deals but they contribute to a sense of normalcy.

They Shine In Darkness

2012-01-05T15:07:00.002-06:00

I get a kick out of the fact that I married into a family with an actual coat of arms. Their motto is above, " They Shine In Darkness" which I think is heroic. I guess all family mottos are intended to be so. Of course it seems religious and most likely was.

My dearest, most darling of darling daughters, after a bought with fainting because of a piercing and after promising me not only no more piercings but no tattoos either, called me from the train just a few minutes ago to tell me the train was on time and oh yeah, " Did I tell you that I got a tattoo?"

Um...no dear. You failed to mention that.
I have tattoos so it isn't that I think they are immoral or anything. Just don't think paying for them should be a priority plus we do't need her fainting again! She'd actually make a great tattoo artist if she can get over that fainting thing, but thats neither here nor there.

This is a train of thought post. Hope ya'll are following me.

What did she get done?
"They Shine In Darkness" in Latin, on her rib cage. Hopefully gracefully done and not like those prison gang tattoos that spell out the name of the gang across the guys rippled abs!LOL!

Anyhow, I took it well. Garry did not. He could care less about family coats of arms. His little girl got a tattoo! Luckily, his own mouth is full of gauze after having a tooth pulled today, otherwise I might be hearing a mouthfull! Yes, I married a conservative!

A friend was here and asked,"A tattoo is a big deal? Its not like she is pregnant!" Indeed.
She's too smart for that. I think.

what of health resolutions?

2012-01-05T07:50:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was the warmest day in a long time-it was 36 and it was also sunny. I took a very short walk basking in the glory of the warm sun. Warm? The 30 mile an hour winds were gone. So yes, warm. For a minute.
This walk was a milestone for me in some ways. I have been so weak that I haven't been able to do very much walking. But I have been getting stronger slowly and I realized that I wasn't going to get that much stronger without adding movement on a daily basis.

Ironically, on the same day, I was reading that Jack LaLanne died in January 2011 at the age of 96. I'm the last person on the planet to find out here:) His life's work can be seen as extreme to those that are on a standard meat and potatoes diet but to countless others, this is the way to eat hands down.

I 'm divided because diet is an individual thing. What works for me mightn't work for you in matters of health if not weight loss. However, I like his workout ideas and think I'll dust off our dumbells.

Although I stated that I am not making resolutions thanks to the already overwhelming changes in my life, the fact is that 2012 is going to be focused on health for me. I don't have a choice anymore. I never ever want to get as sick as I was recently again. I don't want to go back to who I was before I got sick either-the lady with the chronic pain.

I am finding that though I resisted the diagnosis of food allergies, that as each day I adhered to the restrictions, I got better. I am detoxing of course and that just doesn't feel too good. I gave up sugar and caffeine, all dairy and all yeast. This means everything is fresh. Every single thing. I feel like a Brahmin or something! LOL!

Anyhow, reading the Lalanne obituary I felt that there could be hope for me after all. He was a weakling when a teenager and he transformed his own life through dedication and hard work.As for his diet, I think that it would take way too much produce to live off of juices and that drinking only juices is not good in the long run. Starting meals with a raw veggies salad though appeals. I do juice once in awhile. He did eat turkey and fish-not total vegan at all.

I continue to remember a great deal about my past interest in fitness. Until my feet gave out on me four years ago followed by my shoulder, I was an avid health nut-gyms, walks, belly dancer, dietary genius! I'm glad that part of me is back!
I feel hopeful again now that the chronic pain is nearly gone after eliminating irritants. Sickness can be a wake up call if its something that can be fixed. I'm lucky that it can be fixed.

Do you have health goals this year? What are they?

Starting the New Year by Saving Money

2012-01-04T07:20:00.000-06:00

One of the biggest mistakes we ever made is to enter into a contract with the satellite television company two years ago. It was a two year contract and like most subscription t.v. companies, this one gets you with an introductory offer and then a gradual increase of fees over time. To get out, we could of paid 150 dollars.

For the record, I didn't join this. Garry did because he likes to watch surfing and golf competitions. I liked some of the cooking shows but that is about all I ever watched. Since moving here, I have watched it once-the other day when I was sick. Of course I watched the Walking Dead series too-which is on hiatus till February.
At this point, we are paying 89 dollars a month for the privilege of watching television. We get channels that we will never watch-the Spanish ones for example and others that just don't appeal. We are not just paying for what we like to watch but what everybody else in this country likes to watch. Collective punishment in a sense:)

So its our last month and we are out. What ever will we do?

Netflix. Jasmine joined and we are sharing her subscription right now for 8 dollars a month. Since two days ago, I have watched 3 movies.
Radio. Its free and we have some really good local stations up here that we enjoy.
Youtube. Some things are available there if you look carefully.
Hulu. More here too and free to boot.
Rabbit ears. We can go analog and watch local stations such as the news.
Read the news online. Most of this is still free.

Freedom from television isn't possible though we could probably go that far. The thing is that I like pop culture sometimes. I don't intend on never watching another film or television series. I don't need the cooking shows and I don't need the design shows. There are books that do the same thing. Garry can watch surfing videos online and maybe even golf ones. Walking Dead is online too so that takes care of that.

This is a very positive step for us not just to save the money but also to be free of a contract. The price increases did not come with better or more service. They always have an excuse that isn't valid to us.It was about their bottom line naturally. But do I care? No. I don't care that they are keeping x amount of folks in India working. I'd like to know how many they laid off in the U.S. to increase profits. I don't have a job and neither does my husband. That is what I care about. Survival of the fittest.

I remember when television was free.

Lone Wolf Among Gruff Old Men

2012-01-03T08:06:00.000-06:00

I was thinking after getting an email from a good friend who might join a writers group that maybe I should start looking for things like that again in town. Not necessarily a writers group but something. I decided not to join any knitting things because they are all instructional and I know how to knit pretty well. What I don't know, I can teach myself. I don't like to talk and knit anyhow. Its my alone time.

One option is that I thought I might ask Amish Mary if she would teach me how to quilt. That would mean me and her once a week. That is about as much company as I can really handle at once anyhow. You all might think that I am an extrovert but in truth, I am introverted enough to not enjoy large groups, yet not so introverted that I need to be alone all the time.

I was supposed to start learning to play Ramones songs with R. but I quickly lost interest in that idea. I'm no musician. But who knows, I might get motivated later. R. is traveling a lot and is finishing up a project with a graphic novel he is writing.

The charity quilting group is really fun but they have enough hands on board that the one time I joined them I could either man the iron or I could do plastic canvas embroidery with a lady that was depressed. She was making crosses for nursing home members. I chose to keep her company by doing plastic canvas because it was so very lonely over there by the iron! Plastic canvas work is disgusting but she is so sweet and I felt very bad for her and the reason she was depressed-the loss of her lifelong best friend to cancer just days prior. I think I cheered her up. I hope I did anyway.

Hmm....I could not do anything and be just as happy. Because in reality though I had this dream of coming out of my natural shell and having a whirlwind social life here in the country-that dream isn't one that suits the real me. We get enough invites and enough events that we are not isolated. Getting rid of the negative folks opened up many more doors.

We get frequent visitors here-mostly the "gruff old men" as I call them. They are very sweet and if they wore hats they would remove them in the presence of a lady. They are funny and when they open up-wise. They help Garry with harder work when they are here. They sit with me over a cup of coffee (they drink coffee and eye my herbal tea suspiciously).

Each one told Garry that if he picks up a job and needs to be away from the farm for a long period of time, to just let them know and they will be on call if I get sicker and need help. They would be here in a flash. Now, I'd rather have that kind of friendship than being the belle of every ball I ever attend! Less pressure and more honest.

With gruff old men, its okay when the dishes haven't been done. Its okay to tell off color jokes and show my highly opinionated side to which they are free to disagree or listen or debate without getting their panties in a bunch. I am not obligated to suggest that we meet up to go shopping or some other girly things that I cannot afford and hate to do anyhow.

I feel safer to be myself. I am excluding the ladies in the charity quilting group when I say any of this. I'd do anything for those ladies because they have been angels to me and also to others. Not one nasty word out of that group about anybody. I like that.

And so this is my social circle. I can't say that I want more. I like it as it is. Maybe they will indulge me with a tea party some day. Maybe not. If I am meant to have tea parties then tea party lovers with good positive attitudes will fall out of the sky right into my lap. If not, I will live.

A Movie-the Black Power Mix Tape 1967-1975

2012-01-02T06:43:00.002-06:00

Image courtesy of IMDb

I watched this on Netflix last night and ended up staying up late because I just couldn't put it on pause and wait till today to finish it. We Americans know a bit about the Black Power movement in two ways-the Civil Rights Movement which includes Martin Luther King, Jr. and in some ways we are aware of the supposed negative side via Black Panthers and say Malcolm X. Those are the two sides-yin and yang, black and white, good and evil.

In reality, what most of us learned in high school (my age group anyhow) are taught a myth-Good vs. Evil. As life goes on, we either continue to believe and live by that myth or we decide that everything we were taught was wrong and start digging deeper. Some of us in college, others on the streets as activists, and more through independent learning. The teaching of myths at this point in time continues but has shifted from black vs. white to Christian vs. Muslim and many still don't see it as myth-making but the Truth.

This movie really brought this home to me. It confirmed what I have been thinking all along and then some about our current political arena of power and hate. I cannot do a movie review to save my life but I think that this film is a very important piece of information for people to access. Some of the things that stood out to me the most follow.

What it covers is the other side, though it touches on King at the outset. Instead, we get to hear directly from Angela Davis, from Sonia Sanchez, from Stokely Carmichael and from members of the Black Panthers, from recovering heroin addicts (the war on drugs really isn't a war on drugs but chemical warfare), from Viet Nam Vets, from a mother with 10 children whom she couldn't afford to feed.

The footage was shot in that era by a Swedish film crew who remained fair throughout-letting the people tell their story without throwing in scenes of riots and mayhem to undercut the message of the struggles that people of color had to endure (still have to endure).

At one point, Angela Davis was interviewed in jail and was asked about the armed aspect of the Black Panthers in particular. She speaks of how when she was growing up, the white mayor in her hometown of Birmingham Alabama used to go on the radio and announce "Coloreds have moved into such and such. I want to see some bloodletting tonight." (paraphrase) and then describes how the men in her neighborhood took up arms and patrolled the area at night.

She then asks, "And you ask me if we are being violent?" (paraphrase again).

Another point. Black Panthers started a breakfast and lunch program in Oakland which fed countless hungry children. The government closed it down calling it "dangerous" because they feared indoctrination. The Federal Lunch program in schools was actually modeled on this effort and came later.

Panthers and other Black Power movements started medical clinics, drug rehab clinics and other social services and they reached out to the white radical movement too. The movie didn't focus as much as these things as they could have.

When all the men were in jail, the sisters took over the work of the Panthers-they kept things going.

I felt pretty sad during this film. I kept thinking about how if only the war on drugs was real that black men today might feel empowered as men and would not join gangs and keep killing each other on the streets in this well orchestrated genocide.

That one thing is actually something that disturbs me deeply and always has. This film didn't give me hope. That movement was crushed a very long time ago-by drugs, jail and assassinations.

I am not writing this a white lady in some rich suburb. I am a person of color too. I was raised by what todays political idiots would call "radicals" because that is how life is defined for us. I was raised to question and keep questioning. I was raised with social justice philosophy. The first demonstration I ever went to was organized by mother who led the march too. She sat me safely behind an FBI agent and told me not to move. I watched as he reported the groups every move into his head set.

I was however raised in privilege which afforded me time to read and attend school unhindered by hunger or poverty.This didn't make me "white" I found out over and over again as I was growing up.

But its not about me. If you are at all inclined to want to watch something that will make you think and think hard about how things have progressed to what they are today, watch this movie. You won't be disappointed.

My Restless New Years Eve

2012-01-01T07:47:00.000-06:00

Text from my son early New Years Eve:

Boy: "I'm in Milwaukee!"
Me: " What? Why!?"(my real thought: this had better not be a New Years party!)

Boy: "Picking up a dead body with S."

No. My son has not joined the mafia!
Not at all. S. is a good friend whose family own a funeral home and S. is working for said funeral home now that he is in college. My boy was spending time with the family and that meant he had to go to work for them too. Good! I'd like him to work for them more actually but do not say so. I want this because there is guaranteed money there. Maybe even "good money". Maybe he will realize that good money is better than "fun money" one day because its got a few more digits at the end than his job (that he loves) offers.

And of course good money is far superior to "dirty money" which even the Amish are starting to say is bound to happen more and more by good people with the economy worsening via theft and robbery.

Not saying that my own son would go there so easily but I can see where this will one day be tempting to even my own children if things don't perk up.

The evening brought 50 mile an hour southerly winds and I was worried about the poor llama out there with the barn windows facing full south. This wind made a racket outside and I thought the tin shed had come apart but it was the tin over the wood pile being lifted-up and down all night long.

I then began to wonder about all that alpaca fleece I have and thought that maybe I could felt a carpet with some of the lower quality bags. I then thought that it would be a waste to make a carpet because I'd probably just hang it on a wall or throw it over a couch after training Molly to not eat it.
Or I could try nuno felting a scarf which I don't wear or maybe a shawl which I don't wear so a blanket might work best..............I spent about 20 minutes designing it in my head.

When Garry came to bed I thought that he was saying, "Molly? Whats wrong baby? Molly? Are you okay?" I focused and realized he was just gently putting her in her locked den. She was fine. I must of been nodding off.

The one good thing about New Years for me is that for some reason, I start getting really excited about Valentines Day which I don't make a big deal out of. I like the antique and vintage decorations though. I like the colors. I like the hearts and cherubs. I thought about all of this too.

Jasmine was watching the Chicago fireworks display with good friends and I thought it was sad that her group doesn't get on with the boys group so they would not join each other at parties. I know my girl is on the right track in life. I like that she is moving beyond family because we had to push her to do that more whereas her brother has to be pushed to do that less. They are polar opposites that way. Yin and Yang.

I remembered that I was technically still detoxing off of a lot of things and so my body was not reacting like a normal body might react at this time to anything. I can list those things here but actually I will spare you all. Its a good reminder to myself though to be a bit more gentle and expect less for awhile.

And then I guess I fell asleep.

Happy New Year

2011-12-31T06:01:00.002-06:00

I'm not going to look back because this year was a whirlwind.
Resolutions? No. I have enough changes to contend with that I'd be insane to add more.
However, I wish you all Peace and Love and Prosperity, and Weight loss and Good Health (whatever your goals may be this year in other words) and I hope we all win a million dollars each!

Budget friendly wardrobe?

2011-12-30T07:44:00.000-06:00

I have actually lost nearly 30 lbs in the last few months and only recently realized it because my clothes are falling off of me. I live in sweats during winter and that isn't a big deal but all of my sweats and my pajamas and my one pair of trouser jeans-no longer fit. My tops are mostly salvageable.

I don't know how I failed to notice this weight loss as it happened. I hadn't tried to lose that weight and in summer, I live in loose summer dresses so I guess it wasn't obvious to me.

Having a limited budget isn't going to be conducive to replacing these things. I have alot of fabric but very few patterns so have to buy patterns. I don't think I'll focus on making things like sweats or pajamas but on dresses and skirts instead.

I do have gift cards but then I have to think about the sweat shop issues that I've brought up here in the past too. I realize that I can only do so much.

Also thrift stores will help.
Can't think of anything else.
Any ideas?

Signs on the Journey Home

2011-12-29T06:45:00.000-06:00

By the time it was dark on our journey home, we were starving. I had brought some food for the trip down as usual but once again, hadn't packed enough for the trip back. We saw an elderly couple on the freeway in the lane next to us. They had a large cooler in their back seat. I guess that is how I should do things too:)

A friend had told us that there was a good Mexican restaurant in Richland Center-a larger town about 45 minutes from our house. We found it ourselves and parked ourselves at a table. Funny enough our friend and his family was there too. That was nice.
I figured that it would be a place run by Mexicans and just in case the waitress spoke only a bit of English (often the case in Chicago) I was practicing my "Spanish". I would order anything I wanted but say, "No queso y crema, por favor." With a smile. I know my Spanish leaves much to be desired. I never took it in school. Only picked it up on the streets of San Francisco.

As it was, I ordered the paella ( a rice dish) after asking the English speaking waitress if they had tamales without pork (they do not). What did she bring me? The pork tamales. I sent it back of course.

I rarely see Mexicans up here and assumed there were none. However, there must be because a few miles down the road another restaurant had a sign that read, "Mexicans Welcome" on the door. I kid you not!

Further along a larger sign on a ramshackle barn reads: "No Chicago Gay Bashing Here". ??????????

Then there is the billboard of all the cows in pasture that says, "God Says He Loves Us All."

A baby with a "stamp" on its rear end that says, "100 percent organic" (I think that was in Madison and it had to do with a natural birth clinic)

Lots of signs with baby pictures that are anti abortion.

My favorite was a bumper sticker though. It read, "Dirt Worshipping Tree Hugger". I'd almost want that bumper sticker on my car (I hate bumper stickers as a general rule!).

There was hardly any snow anywhere. The landscape is all brown. The rivers are not iced over. These signs are not good.

Another Door Down

2011-12-27T19:15:00.000-06:00

There was a knock on our kitchen door just after dinner last night. I opened it to see Dan, Mary's eldest son, smiling at me.
Now Dan- well I adore Dan! He has grown from a gangly teenager into a very fine young man in the three years we have known them. He converses intelligently and respectfully, with a great deal of confidence. He will turn 20 this year. Mary was a bit upset about that! Her first born becoming a man! He can choose to leave them now- but she doesn't think he will.

We invited him in of course and gave him a gingerale. He had come by to ask if we would be home tomorrow ( today) so that he and his dad could come and finish the other door installment. We said we would be and I made sure they knew to not bring a lunch. The surprise visit the other day was embarrassing- my first day sick and the cupboards were bare! I gave them a pizza and made grilled cheese with the last of the bread.

I promised them better next time- promised myself better actually. Mary used to feed Garry very well when he worked over there!
I defrosted a turkey breast immediately.

Of course, I woke up exhausted this morning and could barely do anything, so Jasmine did all the cooking! I know Dan was impressed! LOL! She made the turkey, roasted potatos brussel sprouts and corn, served with chilled canned peaches and biscuits! Delicious!

Once again they refused money but we are trying to insist. Its sweet but we have a bigger job for them later and we cannot keep going like this. I asked if they wanted something from the city? Nope, they are fine.
But I was thinking:
Its sad that this great young man, really a mothers dream come true for her daughter- is off limits. He isn't the same boy I mentioned before. That one is still a bit immature though he'll probably grow up like his older brother. But who knows?

The English boys Jasmine knows are less than impressive at the moment. Even she is not impressed. When they grow into men some day, I'll probably feel the same about one of them. But they seem very Peter Pan- like as of now.
I feel like an old lady meddling matchmaker! LoL!

Okay, off tomorrow remember-long road journey. Have a good day all!

Taking time to chill out

2011-12-27T07:32:00.001-06:00

Christmas officially marks the day I began to feel completely normal again. Yes, I'm still tired but I have learned to rest in the two weeks of illness that I endured.
Tomorrow, we take the kids down to Chicago-Jasmine will hop a train back in a few days. She is heading down to see her girlfriends.

If we leave at the crack of dawn we can get to Chi-town in mid afternoon and spend awhile shopping in ethnic stores for foods. We will head back to the farm on the same day. Not likely that I'll be online at all tomorrow.

Before the kids got here, Garry and I were talking about how we had not been taking care of ourselves. He was trully worried about me but I knew I was going to get better eventually. To support me, he offered to eat what I eat. In reality, I think he needs to eat what I eat. He's very tired too.

We beat ourselves into a pulp and we are too old for this kind of thing. Or maybe not too old so much as too overworked. Especially him. We decided together that once the holidays were over we would evaluate our time and find a space in which we could both meditate for a certain amount of time a day. We would transition in spring to relaxing activities as well-such as nature walks or fishing.

I didn't go to Christmas service at church. I felt it was more important for me to rest on that day. He went alone. While he won't admit why he is going to church, I know that something is shifting within him. He is rediscovering his faith and finding solace in church.

I like the people but I cannot bring myself to become a church person entirely. This has nothing to do with faith. Its just that I am that anti-authoritarian! I like my Catholic Church for the rituals and its comforting to me but I'm not one to give my relationship with God away to a preacher or priest. Its not supposed to be about that. I can't shake that part of me enough to commit to a church on a permanent basis. Its nice now and then though.

Be that as it may, meditation for me is either a walk in nature or its a meditation that involves contemplative prayer. Its personal. I probably won't write about it much here. Yet this is going to become a bigger part of my life so maybe you all will detect an attitude shift?

Anyhow, not much going on right now besides resting and some embroidery. Photos another time. I don't have the mind for this type of blogging at the moment. Its one more task-to upload a photo! Just that tired!

2010 in Review

2011-12-26T07:17:00.000-06:00

I can say for a fact that the first half of 2010 is a blur to me. Until June, nothing seemed to be happening besides the children getting ready to graduate and for prom which didn't happen until June anyway.

We did lots of picking and choosing about college. Beyond that, I'm not sure what I did. I was still in Chicago.

I did make a couple of trips up here starting around March or April to plant the vegetable garden but Garry was here most of the time and did most of the planting. I did the planning.

In June, we had the twins graduate high school.

We moved here.

Our garden grew.

Community

I arrived to conflict with the neighbors-not my own making but that silly group of women had been plotting against me from the day they met me. Stupid, amateurish plotting. What they wanted was that I should die. Or that Garry banish me into the desert. Something like that.

They wanted him, my land, my dream and they even tried to befriend my children who were having none of it. Can you imagine doing that to somebody? I cannot.

How did we resolve this? I became completely indifferent after they tried to confiscate the Dalai Llama from the old owners knowing full well (old owners told them) that he was mine. They tried to insist and when that failed they slandered me. At that point I decided it was going to become legal harassment eventually so I needed to disengage entirely-not feed the fire by pretending to be a good neighbor. I let one know that I knew what they had said and done. She cowered away and they have left me and my family alone (to my face) since then. I should of done this sooner.

The rest of the community has been wonderful for the most part. I got rid of the ones that were problematic to me ethically-the ones that hate tree huggers and the Amish and Catholics and people with red hair and green eyes-the haters. All gone. Replaced by good folks. Thats the best thing I ever did.

Livestock

Most homesteading books tell you to start with small livestock because there is a learning curve. Well we did start small-with two beehives. These hives did very well and are healthy. Chances are good that they will be alright by spring. We got 21 pints of honey I believe.

Our next step if we followed the sage advise should of been chickens. But we got the llama instead- our only issue being that we had to learn what kind of fencing would contain him. We still don't have chickens! We might get ducks next spring. I don't know why but I'm just not excited about having chickens. We will be adding sheep next for sure.

Because of dairy allergy, we have to rethink having livestock for milk-Garry has to decide how much milk he can consume on his own. We now are thinking in terms of meat which is not an easy thing for me to think about.

Preserving

Our root cellar experiment is working so far though I don't think that either the turnips or rutabagas like it very well down there. We need to vent this area to the outside as the cellar seems warmer so far this year than in the past. Its been a warm winter so far this year.

Canning was okay. I still need to resolve my stove issue since the BTU's are too low to bring a giant canner to a boil but I managed with a stock pot which meant only pints. That isn't too bad either when it comes to having an empty nest-but it takes longer.

Dehydrating is a lifesaver to me. I don't can low acid foods but maybe will start next year. Dehydrating fills the gap.

We bought a freezer and filled it. I am not that comfortable with this but its a good choice while we can afford the electric bill. So far we have had no blackouts.

Herb Garden

I credit the herbs for keeping the bees healthy. The ones that survived the mess that our herb garden became this year are-chamomile, sage, feverfew, roses, horehound, fennel, lovage, calendula, lemon balm and Holy Basil. Most of these are a couple of years old. We started to weed this spot but within a blink of an eye the weeds would come back. This isn't a problem anywhere else on the property so I wonder what the heck is going on! We abandoned it and will transplant these herbs to another area in spring that we are preparing now.

Tip: never buy the cheaper compost. I think that is where all the seeds came from.

Masonry Heater

Garry spent most of the year building this heater in his spare time. It is finished and keeping us warm. We got most of the wood for free from a friends property that needed clearing. We have plenty more where that came from and plenty for the winter ready for use. We are blessed really.

The rest

Some things have fallen by the wayside due to lack of funds but we are both going to try to generate some money in the spring to see if we can manage to meet the goals that we have for this place. Wind turbine, remodeling the bathroom, things like that. Can't think of anything else................its been a year of major changes for us. We are weathering it fairly well.

I sometimes don't think of myself as a homesteader anymore. Its just a word. Before moving here, I felt that I was a part of that subculture but now, I feel that its just the way my life is supposed to be. I love it here despite my initial challenges. I love this kind of work. Its in my blood since I'm only one generation removed from a farm and even then, granny bought a large lot in a San Diego suburb and farmed it in her retirement years.

We have alot of goals for next year. Most of these are health and spiritual well being related. That is another post.

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-25T05:46:00.000-06:00

The sun has yet to rise and I am already up. We are staying at home with one guest joining us for dinner later on today. There is snow on the ground, its not freezing cold outside and life is grand.

I hope you all have a great day (or had a great day for my Aussie friends!)

A co-op rant

2011-12-24T08:12:00.001-06:00

Wisconsin is big on two things-one is better known and the other not. Cheese and co-ops.
This state has a history of excellent cheesemaking and some of that continues but in larger operations. I actually know people whose families had small cheese factories until the 70's. The home up the road from us was a cheese factory too. The lady who is now elderly told me how she and her husband would rush to make the cheese everyday in summer and so that they could spend the rest of the day trout fishing! What a life!

The other thing that surprises me is how many co-ops there are in the state. We have one in town, there is one just a few miles south of us and one a few miles south of there. There is another just north of us (the Peoples Co-op) and then there is one up in the same town where Jasmine goes to school too. I know there are more......I'm just marveling at how many there are so close to us.

We love co-ops mostly because Garry and I remember the good ole days of hippie health food stores and collectives. I went to high school down the street from one and dream of it often. They used to have vegetarian lumpias (Filipino egg rolls) and shots of wheat grass which was my lunch on most days. They smelled divine too.

The one by Jasmine seemed that it would be hopeful to us because obviously, the larger population (her's is a town of 27,000) the better the variety right? Wrong. We had planned our drive up there by bringing food for us to eat (food that I could eat) and thought that rather than stopping to eat on the road (where I would find nothing on the menu that I could eat), we would stop at the co-op and get a picnic lunch to eat as we drive.

The co-op had that wonderfully familiar smell which made me sentimental immediately. I was very excited. As I wandered the isles, I realized that actually, this place was pretty limited. They had the bulk stuff and they had the gluten free this and that. And they had vanilla flavored coconut milk but not plain which is what I need. They didn't have a cup serving of plain yogurt which is what Jasmine needed.
I found pure chocolate which is good though it was a name brand that can be found anywhere.

We headed to the bakery then. A sign said, "Savory Pastries". Surely I could find something to eat there?!!! Savory pastry for one thing, wouldn't have yeast in it, right?

I looked and found a vegetarian Rueben. That looked hopeful. If I could have some tempeh and sauerkraut in a yeast and dairy free bun, I'd be fine until we got home. But vegetarian doesn't mean vegan. This pastry had cheese too. Dairy cheese (this is Wisconsin).
I looked again for something else and found nothing. I asked the lady if they made anything vegan. She looked at me like I was an alien from another planet and said simply, "No.".
I bought a kombucha drink for too much money and then we hit the road where I ate carrot sticks and drank a drink that I don't like but need to drink for the probiotics that I can't get from yogurt because nobody carries things like coconut yogurt in Wisconsin.

The thing about co-ops is that their isles are full of food allergy kind of products. You name it and they have it for the most part. So why then would the bakery, knowing full well that they do have clients with food allergies or who are vegan, not provide at least one token item to satisfy their clientele?

I do not expect to be catered to. I am only yeast and dairy sensitive. Usually people like me are gluten, dairy, yeast, soy , etc. sensitive-give or take a few things. It would be impossible to cater to all of us! But a simple vegan treat could have fed me. What do vegans do if they can't find a quick treat at their local co-op?
Even our local co-op bakes vegan cookies.

I don't know. I liked the place for the service (not at the bakery though) and for the ambiance. I was going to see if this could be a viable place for Jasmine to shop at but they don't seem to have the variety she needs. She could buy a large tub of plain yogurt of course-for 6 dollars! My coconut milk (vanilla flavored) was about the same price!

And whats with the cheese on everything? Sacrilege to not eat it in Wisconsin? I mean everywhere I look people are eating cheese on everything. Surely if one wants to eat tempeh they don't mind not having dairy cheese.

I find it harder to cope here in Wisconsin because I see this place as a dietary nightmare regardless of food allergies. People love their salt, their dairy, their fats and sugars. They don't care too much for veggies and I wonder why they bother to grow gardens at all sometimes. I am in the heartland I suppose. The place where all the bad stuff about the American diet come together to the point where I have to order and pay for the lettuce, tomato and onion on a burger and where a salad choice is "potato or macaroni".

Okay, I'm a foodie. I admit it! I don't eat like I'm the purist thing on earth but I try. I know better. I was in a group of women not long ago and three of them were diabetic, one didn't feel well, anothers husband was diabetic. That left me and I was still feeling good at that point. So now its all of us in that group who are affected by our foods.

The co-op is supposed to be the place where we find options. If one has a bakery I think that it should endeavor to give a choice. I don't see that much in any of the co-ops for savory foods. I see it with sweets at ours. Its a start.

Present for the Amish

2011-12-23T06:34:00.000-06:00

We ran into Mary's sister at the grocery store in town so asked her what a good present would be. She said food-a ham, a bag of oranges, a roll of lunch meat, nuts, cheese. I had actually thought to get them a bag of oranges and some walnuts in the shell because that is what I would want! LOL!
We ended up buying them a bushel of oranges, a few avocados and some kiwi fruit We might add some dried meats if we have time to run to the store before we go see them today.We have put these things in a bushel basket. The boys will still get their ice cream.

Mary's sister whose name I have not learned, also said that household items were always good, towels, sheets. I asked about color and she did say any color would be fine but no designs like flowers on these things.
I haven't seen Mary in awhile myself. I look forward to seeing her today. I also am looking forward to seeing what she has growing in her greenhouse. I think she said she had carrots in there. I hope so because I have been eating carrots like there is no tomorrow. Emma has some too but I noticed she was canning some the other day and I don't know if she grew enough for her family as well as for resale or not.

I've taken up occasional juicing. This takes up a lot of carrots! I know now that I will try harder at growing my own next year. That is one crop that I don't have too much luck with. I plant them in one spot and find them growing in other areas haphazardly but never in the row I planted them in! I'll have to figure that one out some day! LOL!

Anyhow, holiday shopping is done. Christmas tree went up on the solstice. A fake tree this year-one we drag from apartment to apartment just in case we can't afford a real tree. This year we couldn't. A couple of packages remain at large (sent by my mother in California) and I have to send my parents their honey which is all they wanted for Christmas. I haven't had the energy to deal with this.

Emotional attachment to foods

2011-12-22T08:51:00.001-06:00

Well, here you see the only bread that I think is worth eating at the moment. Its crisp. More like a cracker. I use only spelt because its easier to digest.The recipe can be found on the savvyvegetarian site. Its a recipe that could use tweaking. I think it would benefit from baking soda but I am so sick of that taste that I don't want to try it out just yet.

I used all spelt bread which is not gluten free so don't use it if you are gluten sensitive. Also, if you do use it, it requires less liquids than wheat flours so adjust accordingly. Its a nice flour, easier to digest than wheat and has a fruitier taste overall.

I have been working on my own emotional attachment to foods lately. In addition to the dairy/yeast culprits, I have found that I had to quit drinking coffee and then I had to forgo peanuts and peanut butter. Sugar is a double whammy-its just not food for one with hypoglycemia (me) and it feeds yeast allergy so there you go. That includes honey right now.

You can imagine that though I am trying to keep a positive attitude-I am not a happy camper at the moment. I'm withdrawing from coffee to start with (weened myself off with tea and now am on green tea which will be weened out eventually). I have cheated with the sugar (with the consequences). I will not do that again. I have stevia which is allowed so will work with that.

Its harder right now because its winter. If my garden was in production, I'd be focusing our diet on our luscious produce. I would be eating freshly picked berries of all kinds. I have these things in the freezer thankfully.

However, all that processed pickling I did this last summer is not going to be enjoyed by me. Vinegars are out. Most pickles have sugar in them too. I dried all those apples in cinnamon and sugar. Those are out. We did freeze some thankfully. I made sugar based jams. I can't enjoy them.

I can have the sauerkraut, the brined pickles and the salsa which I made with lemon juice thankfully! I can have the other dried foods too. Next year, I have to talk to my naturapath who also avoids the foods I avoid and yet cans up a storm all summer. I have seen her chutneys and jams and they look amazing so I will ask her for recipes.

When I was a vegetarian and again when Jasmine faced the Elimination diet as a child, I faced alot of hostility regarding our diets. People are emotionally attached to the foods they love and cannot fathom how one food that helps them thrive could be a poison to another person. To voluntarily give something up is even worse!

I was telling a friend to that I could not eat the soups he makes anymore. They are delicious but he uses flavoring packets. He was upset. I was being nice about it and it wasn't as if he had made some for me but he makes some for me at least twice a month. We were enjoying this gathering. I just wanted to warn him before he extended his generosity again.
He asked if I could make an exception. I can't. Its not worth it to me anymore. While he understood, he also was not happy about it. This was a good reaction. Worse reactions from my experience include ridicule.

Right now, I have to focus on my own emotional attachments to foods. Its not been easy. Later on, I'll be able to cope with the outside world. When January comes along and everybody is on their own special New Years diets, it'll be safe to come out to play for a short while. As others fall off the bandwagons, I'll have to retreat again. Or I'll be stronger by then myself and it won't matter.

The Lilacs Are Budding In December

2011-12-21T06:30:00.000-06:00

These photos ( taken yesterday)are not great but if you click you might see better.

see the green bud in the middle of the photo? there are lots of these

I noticed a couple of weeks ago that our Lilac tree is budding.I know very little about lilacs but I do know that I'm supposed to be in zone 4 and that its winter now. Trees don't bud in late fall/ early winter in our area.

Another shot of the same lilac tree just in case it shows more.

It took the ground a long time to start to freeze this year. It is above freezing on most days and below in the evenings. We have had snow, frost, freezing rain.We haven't had much sunshine. The ground is not frozen deeply solid. Its a surface freeze that thaws easily. I see puddles on other peoples land.

This is my first winter here and I think this is all wrong. Chicago is a zone 5 and trees don't bud there until March or April. Only one person has mentioned the fact that things are wrong - Mary, if you are reading, remember you mentioned it? Everybody else feels lucky because its " warm".

No, make that two people.... when Perry was installing the door he talked about not having a deep ground freeze yet. He looked worried. I asked him if it was about nutrients and he vaguely nodded but I know he was unhappily thinking something else, something a farmer like him would know. I didn't want to pry....because I was afraid of the real answer.

Garry mentioned too that our plum trees seem to be waking up. I'll have a look tomorrow because we are going to go pick up Jasmine today and will be on the road till evening. This is very worrisome.

I can't believe its not butter! And other food allergy stories.

2011-12-20T08:44:00.000-06:00

Well its not! Its coconut oil which is not an oil until melted down. I fortunately had a tub of it which I bought at the Mennonite co-op awhile back with the idea of making more soap but then never got to making soap. I have used it to cook with since then but I never spread it on bread before now.

Speaking of bread, I have made two loaves of quick breads which I will refer to as soda breads because they rely on both baking soda and powder for the leavening. One was a rye spelt but it was sweet though good. The other was an Irish soda bread.
Instead of buttermilk I used almond milk and a tsp of lemon juice. This worked to make a lofty loaf of not sweet Irish Soda Bread.
The problem is that if one makes a quick bread one needs stronger flavors to cover up the taste of soda. Sugar would do it. I didn't want sugar. I wanted a savory loaf to eat as a sandwich bread.
The result is that I felt like I was brushing my teeth with every bite.

I also found out that soda and powder work towards destroying the thiamine in flour which means that there is no real point in baking or eating bread. I don't eat for pleasure alone but for nourishment too. Occasional quick breads are okay but not if that is the main bread every day!

So back to the drawing board. This time, I found a pita bread recipe that relies on only flour, salt, oil and milk (coconut milk of course) plus lemon juice. I forgot to add the lemon juice but made 8 flat breads out of spelt flour which tasted like bread! They were a bit stiff but I over baked them I think. Some were more like crackers but still wonderful.
So wonderful that my husband and son ate most of them despite the fact that the boy brought us three bags of pita bread for Christmas! I think that now that I found this recipe I can adapt this to make pizza but so far, I haven't found an adequate form of cheese!

I went to the People's Co-op in La Cross while waiting for the boys train and looked at the faux cheeses I admit. The only ones that were dairy free were really expensive and I just wasn't in the mood for this kind of spending. Do you have to be rich to have a food allergy? I think so.

But yes, faux cheese can have dairy in it! I love reading labels luckily.

I'll live.
Instead, I focused on the fact that the store had organic avocados for 69 cents each! Our local co-op has them for nearly two dollars and the grocery store for about the same but not organic. I also focused on the fact that they had Korean chestnuts. These are the large ones. Our co-op had locally grown ones and I really wanted some but they were the size of my thumbnail so I decided that I didn't want them that badly. The Peoples co-op was selling theirs for half the price too.

I think I am in love with that co-op! I might even join. I haven't loved our local one because they are pretty limited on things and I know the Amish who sell them the produce and can go direct to them and get a fair price anyway. Joining isn't really mandatory. It gets you 10 percent off I think. We'd have to crunch the numbers to figure out if the joining fees are worth it or not.

I'm slowly improving so I can't really complain and in some ways I'm pretty grateful that all of this happened to me in the first place because its become the catalyst I needed to begin a deeper healing.

Have a great day all. I'm off to make beef broth!

Prayer and "the Shut In" and Christmas Shopping

2011-12-19T07:50:00.004-06:00

Garry went to church without me yesterday. I still feel that I need to rest and knowing we were going into town to pick up the boy as well as shop while we waited for the train (which is always late), I thought I'd better conserve my energy.
It was the cookie exchange and card making day for the ladies charity quilting group. I was to go and thought it would be fun but circumstances dictated otherwise. They all prebaked cookies and then distributed them on plates to give out to nursery home residents and to shut ins.

When Garry showed up alone, everybody asked about me. He said I had been ill and was home resting and recovering. A bit later during the service where the congregation shares concerns, a sweet lady mentioned that I had been ill and asked that I be put on the prayer list so the congregation would pray for me. I thought those things were for desperate cases. Am I a desperate case?!!!!

I feel grateful but feel strange too. People praying for me is not common. My granny used to pray for me but she is gone. My mom is still a semi atheist so I don't know if she does or doesn't pray. She prays when things are desperate for sure but on a daily basis like granny used to? I will have to ask her. But if I do, she will think that I am dying of cancer and not telling her. She is like that.

Anyhow just as we were going to leave for town, a friend from church drove up to give me a plate of cookies and a hand made card! I had to laugh though I didn't say why. I was happy of course. But I knew these cookies were for shut ins and nursery home patients. My friend said that the ladies decided that they missed me at the event and wanted me to know that I was in their thoughts. Isn't that just so very sweet?

Here I was planning on finding a Catholic church so that I can attend High Mass on Christmas Day rather than going to the more basic worship of the Methodist Church. I don't know that the Methodist Church doesn't do High Mass with the same grandeur as the Catholic Church but I suspect it won't be the same.

On the other hand, I have yet been to a Catholic Church in my entire life where the congregation isn't cliquish or infested with gossip and hate or extremely withdrawn at best. This current church we attend has a very compassionate congregation and they are nice. They practice what they preach. That is rare. So I will attend Christmas Mass at the Methodist Church and maybe figure something else out for Easter. I like High Mass a great deal. Its comforting to me.

Shopping Was Painless As Always

Last minute shopping works. I say you don't have to panic unless you want to. We always always always do this. Always! Its fun. There are lots of things on the shelves. The prices are just as good as any other time during the season.

We got the kids a laptop each-HP we decided. It was on sale because it was 4 months old! We had 975 dollars in Best Buy gift cards which we were saving just for this. We could of bought 3 computers but I decided that I couldn't bare it after all! I want a mac! (this is the techno version of wanting to attend High Mass I realize. Snobbery and all!) I need to get over this but as we bought the service packages and all that stuff with the laptops, I was more and more convinced that we were doing the wrong thing. Yet we had no choice. The kids need these laptops.

They want macs too but on the other hand, they just need laptops so are not going to be picky like me about this.
We paid 250 for the gift cards at auction over the course of a year. We ended up paying 8.53 cents out of pocket.
Two laptops plus all the service packages for 258.53 cents wasn't a bad deal. Its as frugal as frugal can be when it comes to computers.

We will try to bid for more Best Buy cards in order to see if we can get a mac sometime this next year. Fingers crossed!
Do you attend church on Christmas Day? Do you shop late? Do you win gift cards at auctions? Is there a place online where I can sell my unwanted gift cards to raise money for a mac?

Its starting to feel like a holiday

2011-12-18T06:40:00.000-06:00

I forgot to mention that I woke up to 2 inches of snow yesterday! I knew it was coming but forgot by the time I went to bed so was surprised in the morning!

Garry took the photos in this post. Yes, we still had apples on our apple trees! Wasteful! But we still have tons and tons that were dried and put away plus the frozen ones. We just couldn't keep up! We asked friends to come and glean. They said they would then didn't.

Molly adores the snow. First walk of the morning is my responsibility. She dutifully ate a path for us to walk along. Yes, ate it. Then just like a little bored toddler, she spent the rest of the day whining so that she could be taken out to play in the snow. Garry complied and let her run amuck in a back field.

The Dalai was also eating snow. He hardly noticed my presence when I went out. When he sees me, he runs to towards me to see if I have his crack bowl (his grain dish). Yesterday he could care less if I fed him grain or not. He had snow!

I wish I felt the same about this kind of thing! I don't like being cold. Snow is pretty out here. It does make it seem like Christmas.

The boy is coming by train today and we are going to finally go do some Christmas shopping! We have not bought one single present so far. Par for the course. Not worried.
I baked my son cookies yesterday.
We were not sure if he could make it because he is starting a new job but the manager actually told him that she would train him after Christmas so that he can come home. He knows her personally. I'm grateful.
He will leave on the 28th. Short visit.
We will pick Jasmine up on the 22nd. The twins were the missing equation for this years holiday spirit. I feel better as they will both be home soon. I might finally put up a tree! Maybe even before we go pick up my prodigal son!

What gets you into the holiday spirit? Is it the decorations or having the people you love around you? Or both?

Christmas Present From the Amish

2011-12-17T06:47:00.000-06:00

Garry had gone to wait out my doctors appointment at Mary and Perry's. As he was leaving, Perry asked him if he had room in the "carriage" to haul something home. That is what they call our truck-a carriage. When we bought this truck and drove to see them with it for the first time, Mary said, "Oh, Garry bought you a new carriage!"

When Garry picked me up I didn't notice this in the back. I was just that sick and tired. We got home and he mentioned that the family gave us a Christmas present. Hadn't I noticed? I was thinking that they sent us homemade candy or perhaps a hand made basket for some reason. I hadn't noticed I said.
I went upstairs to change into house clothes and when I came back downstairs-there it was.

It glides! Its comfy! They were going to give us two but Garry told them that we couldn't accept that much generosity. Perry builds these and usually finishes them for resale. They didn't know what color we might like ours to be. Heck, I don't know what color I might like either!

We are going to buy the boys buckets of ice cream for Christmas but we cannot think of what to get the adults? What do you give Amish adults for Christmas? I have been thinking and thinking and thinking......Perry could use tools but we don't know what he needs. Mary could always use and appreciate soap making supplies. Humble gifts.

One day, Mary was showing me some soap molds that another lady gave her because the lady was expanding her business. Mary said, "I don't know what I did to deserve this kind of generosity or if I deserve it." I insisted that she did deserve it and that she does alot for others. Its was a sort of cumulative payback. Karma (I didn't say this to her of course), God's rewards. I don't know how these things work.

With this gift, I am asking the same question. Not just the gift itself but everything else that has happened in the last two weeks. I am being treated by a doctor who isn't worried about payment and she will continue to do so. Perry installed our doors and refused payment. Now this.

I am grateful. Extremely so. I don't feel pressured at all. I just wonder what I can do for these people that is equal to what they do for us. As the doctor told me though-she doesn't do money for money service. Instead she does energy for energy. Kindness for kindess. Things like that.

I have some mental adjusting to do here.

What do you give an Amish adult for Christmas though? Suggestions?

Sugar Plums

2011-12-16T07:43:00.000-06:00

On the first day of sickness I sat and watched t.v.

Alton Brown's show was being run back to back and he was doing some Christmas cooking. In one of the episodes it was apparently a Dickens style Christmas meal (I missed the start) and was being visited by the sugar plum fairy.

We all know sugar plums are real confections right? I doubt that most modern day Americans have made them though. They are dried fruits with spices ground to a pulp then rolled into balls. I think Alton rolled them in sugar. I don't think that dried fruits are as popular in mainstream American culture as they should be. Fruit Roll ups and things like that are not dried fruit! Am I wrong here?

Even our co-op has limited selections of dried fruit. They had figs and dates, raisins and craisins and one tiny bag of dried apricots. That is all. Locally produced? I can see the figs being so but not the dates. Maybe that will be my real business venture next year. What do you all think? I digress.......

Where are the dried cherries? The glaceed ones and candied orange rinds? Citron? Citrus in general?
You see, Garry would like me to make a fruit cake this year. I cannot find the ingredients. My own middle eastern culture adopted the love of fruitcake from the British Occupiers too. The British in turn adopted alot from their vast occupied territory. That is how my mid-east background melds so perfectly with Garry's Anglo one.

Anyhow, I decided to make my own version of sugar plums yesterday, minus the rolling in sugar and the spices until I feel nice and normal again. I decided it should be a healing food-meaning that I would add flax to the mix. Flax is one of my Rx's right now and I keep forgetting to use it.

Recipe (adapt to your own preference)

5 pitted dates
5 dried figs (rehydrate if the skin is too dry)
1/4 cup of sliced almonds
1 tsp flax
1 Tablespoon Tahini with some of the oil ( a drop or two) You can use any nut butter or eliminate it.

Place all ingredients in a processor then grind until they start to form a mass.
Roll into bite sized balls and if you want to at this point, you can roll in sugar (but please don't! this is very sweet on its own), roll in cocoa powder or coconut or if you have ground up nuts that would be nice too.
Eat. Store in a closed container in the refrigerator.
This made around 8 balls. Next time I'll double the batch.

Also next time I make this I'm adding rose water or even a dash of brandy. Nearly anything goes here as far as dried moist fruits and nuts. I've made these using sesame seeds with great results. Be imaginative!

Today, I'm peeling and candying oranges. When Garry asks for something its rare. I think he deserves that fruit cake.
Do you make sugar plums? Fruit cake? Eat dried fruits? Whats your favorite?

Dull

2011-12-15T05:48:00.000-06:00

My life is rather dull right now. I have been in bed. Reading. I did make a pressed salad yesterday and an Irish Soda Bread.

I have two obvious choices here. I can stop blogging for a bit or I can talk endlessly about my new diet.
Hmm....
I blog for me most of all. I appreciate the readers that I do have of course. What happens when my life gets dull enough to want to write away the boredom but so dull that readers are apt to think that I have lost my mind?

What have I been reading? A book about woodworking and alot about diets (online).

Oh! I can tell about how wonderful my husband is to me! After 21 years together (20 of them married) we are still going strong, but I think of that stuff as sacred so I can't write about it. I won't.

He has run amuck telling all and sundry that I was not well. All and sundry sent advise, called or visited. One brought me a whole ham! LOL! Another told me to not dare eat popcorn just as I was starting to crave popcorn!

Garry felt better for all of this. He needed to relieve the stress he was feeling over my condition. I was just mostly amused. These visitors are mostly gruff old men who felt awkward visiting "the little lady". Where are the ladies in my life? Far away, scattered in many directions, with me in spirit.

And thats about all there is today. I do feel better so far this morning. I think the crisis has passed and now I can start rebuilding myself from the inside out again. I don't think there is anything more important to me right now. Its time for me to take care of me.
I decided to keep writing here. I need it. I'm sorry if it ends up being too focused on myself but sometimes that is what it takes to move outward again.

Have a great day people, take care of yourselves.

Life begins with bread

2011-12-14T08:03:00.000-06:00

I am looking for a bread that I can make quickly and that isn't intended to pretend to be a yeast bread. Naturally, I thought "Irish Soda Bread". Seems that this bread in Ireland isn't the tea cake we think of here in the states. It can be made without sugar or dried fruit and eaten with savory dishes. There are two types-a cake and a farl.
See this site for the distinction.

Most recipes call for buttermilk but honestly I think that I can make this with a coconut milk or something else. Its not going to be authentic of course but I'm just looking for bread. I can replace any butter with coconut oil. Not worried. Except that of course I am out of the key ingredient-baking soda.

Ah well.

Its raining. Some friends are driving by here today. We will ask them to drop into town on the way and pick up baking soda.

Another thing to make today or tomorrow-oat crackers. Again reliant on baking soda.
I will try to make chapatis today-an Indian flat bread. Nice and simple solution.

See what I meant in last nights post about being ready for this kind of dietary change? We will have to go into town very soon for a carefully planned shopping trip.

Today, I'm going to have oatmeal for breakfast. With almond milk which I decided that I don't like at all but will be brave and use up until I can replace it with something else. I used to like it but it has a funny taste to me now.
I like Hemp milk (too expensive) but the one milk that I think offers a very easy transition to dairy free is coconut milk. Its nice and creamy so the texture is about the same as a good quality milk. It doesn't taste like coconut or anything else. It behaves like milk.

I'm not talking about the kind you get in a can. There is a brand that comes in a carton and is sold in the dairy section of most large grocery stores. Not up here though. Its going to be hard to track down locally.

I hope my friends come through with the baking soda!
If you all have any recipes for bread to share with me that don't involve yeast (and this includes beer bread) please do.

I'm What?!!!

2011-12-13T17:14:00.000-06:00

I am grateful now. I wasn't at first though.
This bread baking, occassional cheese making lady is allergic to both yeast and dairy. All dairy. And I knew it. I did. I was in denial. Totally.

I do not drink milk. I use it in cooking and as cheese and yogurt. Cheese is King. I am its Queen! What a betrayal!
Yeast- well I've been told before now but I was pretty sure the doctor was just guessing because he asked me if I've taken long courses of antibiotics. I had not. He then said that I probably forgot that I did. Well I didn't. This was more denial really ( plus being insulted like that- I got belligerant)

I tried the diet though because he said it helps with pain control. It did, but it left me very, very hungry. I hadn't planned things well and my nature is to not replace offending foods with fakes. This meant less food and less calories. I didn't last long.
I'll plan better this time around because two food staples were just ripped from my loving arms!Cheese and yeast breads. This includes sourdough until I improve.

After the shock of it all set in, I mulled it over and decided that after all- it's just food. Delicious food, but food.
There are other delicious foods to be had. I can still bake. I'll figure out the cheese thing too.....just watch me!

After what I have just been through physically though, there is absolutely nothing worth going there again for. I am a big mess right now and I knew but was afraid to find out why. I found out quite a few things that I can control if only I make the right choices.

The long road back to health begins now. I averted surgery today. Thats a gift in itself.

Sick. Mending. Resting. Sort of.

2011-12-13T06:57:00.001-06:00

Yesterday, I cleared out a space to put up my first Christmas decoration-a large vintage angel. Of course that space is the space where we drop everything when we come in the door so now its starting to be cluttered again-a box of fruit, a flashlight, a screwdriver...........I still had to clear out some of the clutter behind it so didn't take a picture yet.

I have been pretty sick in the last few days so was lucky to get that far. No. The angel didn't make it feel like Christmas. I'm too tired to think like that right now.

Admitting that I was sick is saying alot because when a person has fibro-most days are sick days-but that is a different sick. A normal sick. I don't get "abnormal sick" very often.

I was abnormal sick for three days and though I am better today, I'm visiting a naturapath today because she is a friend who knows we have no insurance or money. We will talk payment when I feel better. She is a sweetheart and isn't worried about that-but I am.

When I am abnormal sick-my mind doesn't feel happy either. I think bad thoughts. I think the worst. Not in hypochondriac type of ways but there are too many possibilities with each and every symptom. My body and mind are so tired that I know I am not thinking in my usual way. I get weepy-not in pain but in general mental misery. Then I get better and all is well in my mind again.

I feel well that way this a.m. I feel about 80 percent better overall. Pain went from 10 to 2 on the pain level scale. That is good. Very good.

I didn't dream a dream worth remembering apparently. I remembered a past dream instead. I'm going to write it down while its somewhat fresh in my mind now.
It all started with a sketch of three Buddhist nuns that I drew when I thought that I should develop some characters for a graphic novel. I didn't have a plot, just the idea of Buddhist nuns. I drew them in ink and they were highly stylized and bald. One was bold, one was suspicious and the other shy. I dabbled with the idea that they were to move in a cluster-since they are all just parts of the same whole.

This was perhaps 8 years ago. I didn't develop their characters because I went on to something else.

They made their way into my dream world though. I dream that I am in some sort of futuristic monastery located in the forests of Northern California which are sometimes high up on a cliff overlooking the Pacific Ocean. The monastery itself is built of walnut-interior and exterior. Interior is sparse but warm. The walnut is polished. We see the lush forests from the floor to ceiling windows.
But the furnishings are all silver and futuristic. They glow. The word "pods" comes to my mind. I am being escorted in the monastery by the shy nun from my drawing. She is comfortable with me. She too is silver and futuristic looking. She glows and this is normal to me. She turns to me and says something.........

Thats all I recall.....maybe I should of developed that graphic novel after all? LOL!

Dreams

2011-12-12T07:45:00.002-06:00

A friend of mine had an art gallery in Chicago for awhile. We attended an opening one night of multiple artists but our favorite by far, one that kept us there for a very long time was an installation.

The artist whose name I have forgotten but who I spoke to for awhile, had been recording her dreams since she was a child-in a journal. Then as an adult she came across an old library card catalog file cabinet and bought it. She refinished it then went on to type out all her dreams on small yellowed index cards using the Dewy Decimal System format. More than that, she actually cross referenced her dreams.
So for example, if she dreamed about a red bear-we found the dream filed under both the word "red" and "bear".
She had provided an old library table and chairs in her installation. She had said that when she started to file her dreams like this, she began to understand them better and to understand when they were connected and when they were not. She began to see some that were continuations of a story even when they didn't appear to be.
Fascinating.

I don't believe that I dream alot because I don't often fall into deep sleep for long enough but when I dream I dream big! I don't journal them but I am thinking that I should start at some point. I used to do that and when I got into it, I began to remember my dreams regularly and with more detail than before I had started journaling about them.

Last night, I didn't dream big but I did dream.
I dreamt that I finally bought a live tree-one that can be replanted in the spring but because it had been outdoors for so long when we brought it in, we found that it was alive with tiny critters. Bugs mostly. I wasn't sure that I wanted to keep it indoors or what to do with it after all!

Mundane? Maybe. I feel so out of touch with Christmas that I am thinking the tree is just an excuse to pretend. On the other hand, how can one feel in touch with Christmas if there is no participation whatsoever? Not even spiritual stuff?

If I filed this dream away, I'd have it under, "Christmas" "pine" "tree" "nature" "bugs" "soil" "holiday" "decoration" "environment" "gardening" "insects"
Maybe I'd find more meaning to this if I had other dreams to compare or if I was practiced at it.

I won't start a card catalog of dreams but I do think I will start recording them.

Do you dream? Often? Do you journal the dreams? Are they important to you at all?

I'm Touched

2011-12-11T07:10:00.001-06:00

Yesterday, a friend called to remind us that the church we have been attending was holding a community breakfast to support the local food kitchen. We had forgotten since we only go to church sporadically. We went and ate and ran into more friends there which was a nice way to start the day if you ask me.

Then we came home. As we approached our property, we saw an Amish horse and cart parked out behind our shed. Sometimes while we were away, neighbors reported to us that some Amish man would park his horse and cart there and then disappear for the day. We never saw this ourselves and we don't mind either way. We thought that was it.
When we came around to the front of the house, we saw Perry (Mary's husband) and his son Henri standing by our front door shivering half to death! They had been there awhile apparently. They were about to leave when we arrived they said.
They had come to install our new doors which is a job we thought we hired them to do but they hadn't been able to fit into their busy schedules. I brought them in and thawed them out with a cup of tea each.

Garry helped them put in one door which took awhile because a new door has to be adjusted to fit an old house. They did a great job and the door looks really nice. They didn't have time to install the other door but they took measurements and notes of what they would need because that one needs a new frame too.
They will come back whenever they can find time.

While here, I fed them and gave them 7UP on ice. I am always amazed at how they appreciate things like ice and ice creams! They get their ice from the frozen ponds during winter and if they can spare some, they do make ice cream which creates a near festival like atmosphere to them. Its great to see!

They were talking about a marriage. Perry's niece is getting married next week with Perry presiding since he is the Bishop. He told me that the marriage ceremony is four hours long and that is why the Amish don't divorce. LOL! Henri who is 17 kept saying that he couldn't wait for that day-it was going to be really fun. His brothers were also excited. Imagine an English 17 year old saying that out loud about a wedding?

Anyhow, when all was said and done, Perry refused payment. He said that we do alot for them and they wouldn't think of charging us. We tried to insist and he casually laughed and said, "Friends don't charge."
Personally, I can't think of what we do that warranted this generosity but I think that in some way, we are considered a part of their community and though I don't think that we do alot for this family in general, we do help the Amish that we know whenever we can and word does get around.

Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that we had become close enough to be treated as a part of that community! I didn't set out to be. When I first spoke to my first Amish person it was at the Farmers Market and it was a man. I asked him about kohlrabi-I'd seen it but never tasted it. I was actually feeling very shy about talking to him because I didn't know the protocol (if there was one at all that is).

The "protocol" is just to be yourself, be sincere, respectful, generous and be smart. They like intelligence and value it quite a bit I have noticed.

And so I am deeply touched.

Wrapping up the week

2011-12-10T07:06:00.000-06:00

Its been going down to the single digits at night around here. Our heater is keeping us nice and warm though not boiling hot. That is good. We light it twice a day using about 10 logs or thereabouts. A friend with a wood heater says he needs 24 logs a day for his. So we are saving wood. That is good-something we wondered about.

The ladies online are in a fit because they all think that having more than 7 days worth of foods is illegal. This came from a video clip on youtube whereby Rand Paul said that there were laws already on the books that made certain things "suspicious" behavior and prepping was one of them. He did say it. He said it to the Senate even. But I can't find the law "on the books". Is it a big secret?

We had a good week, help and visits from friends and overall some things got accomplished.

Jasmines issue with the stalker is being dealt with really well by campus and city police. I found out that there is a Salvation Army just off campus and they toss their residents out for the day with the idea that they will look for work until supper time I guess. The university helps these folks by allowing the use of the computers in the library which require a security check first. Of course, the library, museum and art building is the favorite hang out for these folks. These are the three buildings my daughters campus life revolves around!

Anyhow, he hasn't been seen on campus in a few days so perhaps he moved on. The locals are ready to pounce however if she sees him because they want to know who he is. They will not point her out to him.
They said that very few of these unfortunates ever have made serious trouble and most are more visible in winter because they are just trying to stay warm during the day. They did say that if he is acting strangely then there is already a problem (no kidding). This doesn't mean he is a Salvation Army resident. We won't know until we know.

The boy has been called into a job interview and has a second one on Sunday. He needs this desperately. His band was also interviewed and filmed in order to be featured online for some magazine. We hope that he won't be hired till after Christmas so we can see him here......but he needs the job. A trip to Chicago will be in order if that is the case.

We have to do our Christmas shopping and we have to put up a tree. It doesn't feel like Christmas to me.
We have thought about both the tree and presents rather half heartedly this week. Par for the course.

Have a great day and stay warm (or cool) as the case may be.

A rambling post about gratitude and writing

2011-12-09T05:57:00.000-06:00

Our friend John came over yesterday and helped Garry for a couple of hours in the cellar. We basically inherited some junk from the two previous owners and after going through it carefully and keeping the more interesting/valuable to us things, we had to get rid of the rest since it was getting moldy down there-things like an old chair and lead infested painted wood that we wouldn't use no matter what. Okay we don't know if its lead infested or not-the paint looks that old though. This is like the fourth haul of crap we have taken out of there so far.

John lives up here part time because just like us, he has a child who is a senior in high school and they didn't want to uproot him this late in the game. Come June, he will be living here permanently-one more Illinois transplant.
We met him at the beekeepers meeting and found him to be very well educated in the same way that I am-with the same kind of interests (i.e. Steiner and Waldorf, sustainable living, political theories, child rearing, health, spirituality). His wife is awesome too but we seem to keep missing a chance to get acquainted.

Yesterday we were talking about energy via Steiner. He is going to lend me a book. He has talked alot of these books in the past and something always nagged at me about what he was saying. Something was familiar but because my exposure to Steiners work has been limited to interest and curiosity, I couldn't place my finger on it. I finally got it yesterday-Wassily Kadinsky.

The following can seem like geek talk if you are not into Kadinsky or Steiner so please bare with me:)

I've been trudging through a self study of Kadinsky's work (both paintings and writings) for quite a while. I read a few pages then have to let it sink in then I have to go back and reread and let that sink in as well. I don't believe I am being dense.
Its heady stuffy. Even art teachers have warned me that his theories take a great deal of time to absorb. He focused alot on the vibrations of color and how certain colors correspond to musical notes. He equates color and art to the development of spirituality. Later on, he focused on form and movement in the same way but I am just interested in color myself.

I explained this to John and he asked if Kadinsky was perhaps aware of Steiners work? I thought about it-they were contemporary's and lived in the same part of Europe. It would be impossible for them to not at least be aware of each other.
It turns out that though Kadinsky doesn't mention much about Steiner, he certainly was aware of the his work!

That really does open an entire new way to understand Kadinsky in my self study quest! It also changes a lot of things that I wanted to do with my art. I will explain later.

Anyhow, its marvelous to have such conversations out here in the boondocks.
I realized something though. I am talking about an era that is long gone for a start-the turn of the 20th century. This was a time of a great deal of development in art and science as well as theology and literature.

Writing styles have changed a great deal since then. Yes, there are lots of great writers today-not putting anything modern down here. But have you noticed that many things in writing are pretty dumbed down in general?
In art school, it was rare to actually appreciate a more modern art theory book. It was easy to understand and for anybody with even mediocre intellect, the concepts were easily absorbed but they mostly have been tailored for a quick read. Some of the better books are great-I have one on the history of Typography that I wouldn't part with for the world. But the others are just quick fix kind of things.

My dad was a collector of books so my exposure to better writing is extensive. He still collects but I don't live near them now to enjoy the collection. My Kadinsky book came from my dads shelves actually.

I am grateful that my dad exposed me to good writing from an early age. I exposed my kids too. And I hope they will expose theirs if ever they have any. Writing and books are a craft too-the art of story telling, the art of thinking, the art of exploration.............the art of viable ideas.....the gorgeous typography, the layout, the book binding........

Those are my thoughts today. For the first time in a long time, I didn't dream of anything profound after mentioning Kadinsky out loud. Usually after I even think of him, I have some amazing dreams. Last night, I merely slept well and woke up with these thoughts......

Safety for women begins with awareness............

2011-12-08T05:53:00.002-06:00

Last Thursday, Jasmine went to a concert that was open to the public though it was on university property. There, she met (against here will) an old man. She and her friends rejected his advances because he didn't look right. He was also running around telling folks that he was a 20 day clean heroin addict. He danced with some drunk girls and Jasmine thought that was that-although she kept an eye on him the rest of the night.

Yesterday she texted me to tell me that this same old man was now hanging around the museum where she works. Its open to the public so there isn't much that can be done according to her boss. He sits outside the store she works in and pretends to read on the couch but just stares into the store at her. She spoke to her boss who told her that this same man had barged into his "employees only" office to ask for work-three times in one week! He lives in a transient motel (by his confession) and is a recovered heroin addict. etc. etc. Nothing else is known about him.

The boss is being extremely naive-he doesn't think that there is anything that can be done other than keeping employees safe by doing things like locking the store door and calling security if there is trouble. This shows fear. It gives the guy more control over the situation than he needs to have. This isn't the answer at all! The girls who man the store man it alone as well. Bosses are not there on weekends.

Anyhow, Jasmine left work and went to class in another building. She had kept her eyes open but when she came out of the bathroom, this same man was coming out of the Drama department just a few doors down. She swears he didn't follow her to this building!

I pointed out that she didn't know exactly when he started to follow her. She also doesn't who he might have talked to who gave him the kind of information he might need. She only noticed him last Thursday. He could of noticed her before that. It might not be about her...but it sure looks like it and this isn't something that people should take a chance on at all.

The staff is having a meeting tonight to deal with this issue. In the meantime, Jasmine is not going anywhere alone, has her bottle of mace at the ready and she will talk to campus security this morning to see if they can run this mans i.d.

There are things that can be done despite what the bosses think. First, running his i.d. might reveal that he is a sex offender. He would be barred from the museum since its open to the public and children enjoy the space on field trips. Infact if this is the case, he probably would be violating parole.

The other thing is that he doesn't act like a recovered drug addict as Jasmine describes him. He could be on campus to sell drugs. He might be in possession of said drugs and violating parole.

Or if he is casing the place for something more diabolic-rape or robbery-if he can't prove why he is on campus legitimately-then he is a person of interest. Usually if police make their presence known and they make it clear that a person like this has been noticed by them, this kind of person goes elsewhere real fast. He isn't a pro. He has been noticed. He's crazy enough to harrass the boss for work. He might be doing that in other departments. If he was a pro-he'd be much more covert.

Stalker. Hard to prove. She only noticed him last Thursday and blew him off as soon as he left her group alone and didn't think of him again until he started to come to the museum. No, she didn't tell him where she worked. She didn't talk to him, only watched and listened. But he danced with some drunk girls and nothing loosens lips like alcohol. We all know-loose lips sink ships.

It could be that he uses the museum to keep warm. He might be lying about renting a motel. He could be homeless and living in shelters at night. He could be psychotic (seems so) and lonely. I told Jasmine to find out if there are any A.A. or N.A. meetings or soup kitchens in the immediate area. Why is he drawn to campus in particular? Something is there in the vicinity that makes it easier for him to be there. I'd hate to be picking on a harmless homeless person but you know, some criminals use that idea to make their potential victims feel safe or feel guilty. I want his dossier.

The point is-the guy is intimidating to her and to her boss and that should be enough to call the police and file a report at the very least.

I was stalked when I worked at community college. A strange co-worker became obsessed with me and one of the art teachers in our department because he wanted to show us his paintings but he didn't care if we were very busy at that very moment. He didn't want to come back later. He then came around to talk to me and implied that the art teacher would deserve it if somebody kicked her ass for being a snob.
Campus security responded by assigning both me and the teacher a security guard because we worked in a remote area of the campus. His boss was dealing with him in the meantime. He was fired after a day or so and barred from campus. He left me alone for good from the moment he saw me with a security guard.

On the side, I had my mace (and I was taught by a police officer exactly how to use it) and I confess-I had a rougher friend of my husbands pick me up from work until this matter was resolved. Garry had to stay home with the babies............

There are ways to deal with people like this before they make a wrong move. I am going to call the police in that town today and also campus security. The bosses are being naive. They grew up in small towns with no direct experience similar to this. Jasmines friends are saying she is paranoid-most of them are from small towns too. They are the ones that are dumb enough to have posted their daily schedules right outside their dorm room doors-so that their friends can find them at any time!

Its the old, "impossible. it can't happen here-or it only happens to somebody else" syndrome. Bull. It can and has and will happen as long as people dismiss warning signs or stall before taking action.

I feel like taking a drive up there to help my daughter deal with campus security and city police. I know how they operate-dismissive. The guy has equal rights as my daughter, etc. etc. He might. But most likely he has forfeited that right at some point in time and running his i.d. will reveal alot about him.

This isn't just for the ladies out there.......security in general starts with being aware of your surroundings and then responding to the potentially weak links in a system of our own making. We are not powerless.
If my front door lock is broken, I'm going to fix it! If somebody is harassing me, I'm going to call it what it is-harassment-not "he has a right to be in this space as much as I do and I have to prove to police without a doubt that I have a right to be scared."

I confess that I am worried. I can't find reassurance here. Can you all see anything reassuring in this situation?

Local Life

2011-12-07T07:33:00.001-06:00

Yesterday, Garry and I drove to Iowa where we get gas for cheaper. Its not that far away so we are not wasting gas to save a few pennies. Its closer than the small town near by here. What I like about going across the river though is that we see things.
We counted 3 bald eagles perched in the trees along the way to the bridge. We have noticed bald eagles just down the road from us too and we have observed them hunting on the hill across the main highway as well. We have been alerted by their shadows as they flew over our home. You would think that was enough. But I can't get enough of seeing these birds of prey right there in my backyard.

The other great thing is that there is actually an old fashioned variety store in Lansing Iowa that I like to visit on occasion. They have everything you can imagine-floor to ceiling, wall to wall. I needed some specific embroidery thread for my next project which they carry an entire line of. I came away with a small baggie full knowing that if I run out they will resupply it. They have preprinted embroidery projects too and cotton yarn.

On the way back, we stopped at the DeSoto Library which is a tiny hole in the wall. I have a library card that is a part of the system-I can go to any library in the area. But this one is non automated. I had to fill out a form that is kept in a file cabinet so that in the future the librarian doesn't have to take down my number! I didn't even see a computer though there must be one somewhere.

For a small library they had some interesting books. I felt like I had returned to my childhood days of perusing the shelves of the hallowed aisles of books. I like the bigger library too but the atmosphere here was much more conducive to my mind set.
I checked out a vegetarian cookbook, two wood working ones and an American Indian crafts one.

As to my own work on the trivet, its nearly finished-I got busy again with ordinary life. I will photograph it today.

Snow on the ground (less than a half inch if that, but its sticking) and cold outside. To town today I beleive.

The Birth of A Movement Isn't That Easy

2011-12-06T06:42:00.000-06:00

When Jasmine first embarked on formal art education in high school, she had an amazing teacher who is a well known experimental film maker in Europe. She however was teaching life drawing to her students. Life drawing is an emphasis on representational art-drawing what you see. It was not conceptual or abstract in anyway. The next class was perspective-solidly grounded in theory and technique.

Learning the rules in other words-or some of them anyhow. Regimented. No concept.

When Jasmine got into an advance placement sculpture class she and her fellow students thought that they could continue with representational work but it turned out that the College Board dictated a love for contemporary art. They didn't want to see classical art at all in the student work. Representational work was looked down upon by them-they wanted to see strong concept and favored that over skill though ideally both should come together in a manner that pleased the board.

This sent the kids in an uproar. Its not that they found something frightening within the idea-but that they were not going to be allowed to exercise their own preferred influences on their own work. The love of contemporary art was it. End of story. And they didn't love it.

"How dare the college board dictate our generations next potential art movement by pushing an influence upon us that we want to reject?" Good question.

This wasn't about abstract work. Most of these kids loved modern art from the last century. What was being presented to them during this class was the importance of concept and in their opinions, there was no real meaning beyond the concept to the work presented to them. They simply didn't relate.

This generation have grown up in a concept driven world and see things like that as ordinary life. Life mimics art? These kids say that it does not-or should not-not to the extent that art looks like corporate logos or insults the intellect. And who are we to tell them otherwise?

Really, think about that.

What we are seeing is the birth of a new art movement. One that comes from a generation that has been shouted at visually with corporate logos from the moment they took their first peak out at the world. And they want to reject that. This can't be a bad thing.

The movement is young. Where it will end up is not for me to say. Its not my movement. But its very exciting to be aware that it is going through its first growing pains!
I can influence or try-but then, why would I? I think our generation has done enough to bring logo life to reality. We blame the young for being so materialistic but the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Notice how we elders are trying to return to crafts and trades-or some of us are. Our children see this. And they agree. This is all the influence we need to provide.

May this movement grow in leaps and bounds.

University Issues

2011-12-05T06:57:00.002-06:00

Jasmine called me in distress after attending a student meeting with staff over tuition increases. We knew this was coming due to defunding by the state but we didn't know how it would look. The staff was there to discuss their plan.

Jasmine and her friends and in fact-most of the audience-were upset when they found out that the university would raise tuition by 600 dollars a semester and use that money "to improve life on campus". When asked about how the money would be used to improve education-the answer wasn't forthcoming. Infact, any direct challenges were swept aside with promises of future meetings.
The staff wasn't prepared for a bright audience apparently. They thought they would just inform the students of what will be and the students were not taking it in stride as they hoped.

The problem remains unsolved-will they or won't they? I think they will. I told Jasmine to demand to know how the staff was tightening its collective belt at the next meeting- to demand documentation. It seemed from what she relayed to me that they were all about increasing spending-not decreasing it-and then passing on their increases to the students without making any sacrifices themselves. They didn't have an answer for how the money would "improve student life". We shall see what happens as more information comes out.

University As Necessity?
I know that many professions require a degree and that training involved in these professions is crucial to how our society will function in the future-doctors, engineers, research scientists, etc.
But if students are already struggling to pay for an education today, many are going to drop out because they will have no choice. Many expressed this concern to staff at the meeting. There goes the future?

If my kids had a choice, they would choose apprenticeships and guilds to continue in their quest for art and music education. They do well in academia-they like it enough. But they don't actually feel that they "need" it beyond the language studies they both would like to continue. Many of the topics they thrive on could be taught or self taught through apprenticeships. But sadly there isn't a choice like that out there that we are aware of. Internships are offered to students prior to graduation from college. These internships are not a solution because they are part of the system that is getting ready to implode.

Think about how fine nurses once came out of nursing schools rather than universities as well. And also, consider that with construction at a dead standstill throughout this country, the masters and journey men are not only growing old without a job-there is no room for union apprenticeships because there are no jobs to teach these young men and women the trades that our society does need. Infact, college isn't for everybody, we all know this. The trades used to be a good option for those who wanted to make something of their lives but not in academia. No more.

We are pretty well screwed not because our colleges are getting defunded but because we have a distinct absence of choices for this generation to fall back on. Of course, National Guard is ready to step in with student loan payback should a student decide that not finding work after college is horrific enough to join. We will see a rise in the military class as a result.

I don't have any answers. An apprenticeship implies that there is a lucrative profession behind it. That isn't so. For example, if somebody apprentices with a weaver-where is that going to lead the student? We don't value our weavers. We prefer fabric from China. Or all of us knitters and sewers-we do this for ourselves. There is no real viable market out there at this time. Sure we would like to teach others the skill, but its not really a trade in the sense that a person can make a livelihood.

This is all very depressing to me. You know, we talk about TSHTF things and we assume that its something that is going to happen in the future. At that point, we will "rebuild". But in reality, I"ve been saying for three years now-TSHTF already and because its happening slowly we haven't talked about rebuilding. Rebuild we must. Now rather than later. But how?

Chill out when we eat

2011-12-04T06:29:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was not a good day for me. Sparing you the details, I ate when I was hungry but I didn't have an appetite and ended up unwell. This was breakfast. I needed something to eat but I ate quickly, miserably even.

Stress-just life in general-money worries, the worker we hired to help Garry didn't show up (though he called to ask for an advance on Friday-party night) and that meant that we are going remain behind schedule on all our work here.
We can't find anybody who will show up to earn a living up here. The worker is the only one that will show up semi regularly. He used to show up consistently until he turned 21 and now he prefers drink to work. We didn't give him an advance btw. We did once and he didn't show up again for a week. The nerve!

None of these things should come to the table with us. But they do. So I decided that I will start working on some pleasant habits when we eat. These things are known things to most of us-but here they are:

1. Leave business behind-our discussion during breakfast was about the worker and how we will manage without him. His behavior makes me angry (he also had the nerve to ask our daughter out via Facebook and who wants to think their daughter will date an alcoholic? She won't-but the nerve!) and worried about Garry being overworked! I am going to fire him permanently when I cool down. We will manage without him. We already do to a great extent anyway.

2. Set a nice table. We had simply served at the counter and brought plates to the table which was cluttered with tools and paperwork. We swept these aside to be cleared off later.

3. Chew slowly and eat at a leisurely pace.

4. Bring flowers or plants into the picture. Something pleasant to focus on.

5. Express gratitude or say grace.

7. Some people like scent or candles-the ambiance is important. At breakfast the scent of the food is good enough for me. At dinner though, this is an idea I'm going to try out.

8. Eat until almost full. If dessert is involved take that into account and stop eating ahead of time.

9. Serve balanced meals of course-colorful if possible.

10. Keep the conversation pleasant.

I know that there are other tips out there and some of these are about as normal as can be, but its easy to forget to do these things when life is moving too fast or when the mind is moving even faster.
Got other ideas?

Our worker problem will be solved in spurts since a good friend of ours who lives here part time is willing to come over and help out whenever he is around. He called yesterday to confirm our lunch date and I spilled the beans-I was that angry!
He had also found that if he wanted to get anything done up here-he had to turn to Chicago friends or else turn to the Amish. We just don't get this. With the economy as it is, who wouldn't jump at the chance to "earn" money? I think the key here is "earn".

Its winter-really it is!

2011-12-03T05:57:00.001-06:00

I like the mythology that rose up around winter in pagan religions. The sun disappears and to make sure that it comes back, the Goddess must be appeased through ritual. I am not a pagan anymore than the next person though as a Catholic, my spiritual practice does tend to include many of the rituals and holidays that pagans might have celebrated. My one granny was a witch anyhow. A Catholic witch. I grew up religiously confused which is probably a good thing because I can remain somewhat free of conventions.

Anyhow, its raining outside and there is a promise of snow today, then clear skies then more snow later on in the week. My garden is now officially closed down. Its been very cold. The sun is lower in the sky and the days are getting shorter. I dream of next years garden.

With global warming and all the erratic weather behavior we have been witnessing (the ground is only now freezing up here), I can relate to the ancients who worried about the sun coming back. I know that it will. But I also wonder what the next years weather patterns are going to bring.

I think I can rise to occasion no matter what happens. I sure would like some kind of guarantee though! As we all know, there are no guarantees in life. Just trying to enjoy it while I can! Hope you are too.

The photo might end up being my new header if it looks good sideways. So don't be surprised if you click here and find the robin's nest in a bicycle gone some day!

My Craft Project and My Inspiration

2011-12-01T06:10:00.003-06:00

I inherited most of my embroidery threads from my late grandmother. I occasionally come across a baggie of colors that she had chosen for one project or another and am intrigued, wondering what she was working on. Look at the color choices in that sandwich bag! She was so talented at putting together the right color schemes!

Anyhow, I'm ready obviously to show what I am working on. The denim was in my stash, given to me by an elderly neighbor in Chicago whose mother collected fabric. I've progressed further than the photo by now.
As I said in another post, I am deeply inspired by Jude over at Spirit Cloth so the fabric weaving is not my original idea at all but something she has worked with on several projects.

My other inspiration is Japanese Boro. I had started to explore the technique before our move to the country and am happy to go back to that interest. I am starting to see a clearer picture of where I am going to take all of this but more on that another time. This style should interest people because its all about mending rather than starting from scratch on a piece of cloth. Please do check it out.

As geometric as boro can be, there is room to play within the lines (or outside the lines). I don't intend on taking a master work and duplicating it though that in itself isn't a bad idea to learn techniques on. I feel a need for splashes of color in my life and in my work right now and traditional boro seems to be very monotone and subtle.

Another person who inspires me is a far cry from either of the links I have posted so far. Facile Cecile is a French language blog (I ran it through google translator for this link). Take a look at all the gorgeous embroidery! I can imagine a lot of possibilities as a result.

My embroidery skills are basic at this point and I look forward to improving after this project by learning more stitches. I haven't said what this project will be used for, have I?
This is a trivet for my tea pot. I might use a sewing machine to finish it, but I haven't decided. Still addicted to hand sewing at the moment.

I continue to work on my sewing room slowly but surely. Garry actually picked up some short term work and so I'm going at the studio alone right now. Maybe this weekend, we can dedicate time to it. I hope.

Oh and I am obviously still tinkering with my blog. Tell me if gray text on a dark background hurts your eyes. I am going to make the text bigger today so that will make it easier to read but the contrast is not always easy on people's eyes. I like the look but I will respond by changing it if somebody tells me its too hard to read.

Thats about it for today. Feedback on my trivet is always welcome. How's it going in your neck of the woods?

Our Christmas Wish List-Technology of course

2011-12-01T05:43:00.001-06:00

I really need a new computer. The kids each need one too. I hate to use the word "need" here but its true when it comes to computers. Its not just about the internet but about the photographs, the other writing I do, the PDF's that I save for future reference on the desktop and its about organization too.

I have a regular 35 mm camera but I was shocked to find out that film was being fazed out at alot of stores. To use it instead of digital, I'd have to buy film online (so I need a computer at least sometimes). Printing service will still be available in some shops (sending the film away like in the good ole days) and I bet I could just put the photos on a disk but again-computer!

I tried writing by hand recently and though I know my handwriting was always like chicken scrawl, I found it hard to mechanically use a pen to write with! I have gotten lazy that way! I don't need a computer for that reason, I can keep on trying to decipher my own writing or find a typewriter.

In the interest of not using up too much paper for printing we try to save things on the desktop. We have a printer that we rarely use nowadays but the ink and paper issues are too much money and precious resources so we conserve by using PDF's. We turn other documents into PDF files too. If something is a keeper we will print it but usually, we find that isn't necessary.

All that information is easily organized on a computer. I'm the kind of person who doesn't bother with things like budget sheets and time organizers. Never have been too good at this skill, but the computer has taken me to another level that I personally couldn't achieve if I was left in a paper filled world.

Each of my personal reasons probably can go into hardcopy one way or another. It might not be a need but at the same time, I think with computers-especially with the internet, there really is a fine line between need and want. The kids can't get away with not having one in school. They need a few programs in order to do well. They can use the schools computers but its been hard on them to do so. Time constraints mostly.

In an ideal world, we would all be carrying around fully loaded Macbook Pros. That is the computer that I work on now and after 8 years of prime performance (not one single problem, not even a virus) it started to act up slowly but surely. Its lost its graphics to a point and because its "obsolete" Firefox and Apple don't have that many updates for it anymore.

In an ideal world, I wouldn't let my kids use a Windows machine under any circumstance. I have good reasons for this but after being on a mac for so long and seeing what computers are meant to be-Windows is like buying a cheap wind up toy from Chinatown. The ethics issue is big too (Apple is not exempt here but at least their products deliver).

Unfortunately, with my kids, I have to swallow the Windows koolaid. I think I do anyway. For me, I'm migrating over to Linux next. I am buying a cheap laptop with Windows but having it stripped naked and everything reinstalled by my friend R. This means Corel products which are excellent and mostly affordable btw!

I have to see if Wordperfect still has a Save feature that will allow the kids to send a file in Word format to their professors. It should still have that feature but its been a while since I have looked at this aspect. If so, then we will have computers that are not susceptible to all the nonsense that Windows makes a person go through. Apple proved that Windows could do better if they only wanted to. Linux apparently proves it too.

I had a hard time coming to terms with this decision because of the creative Adobe software compatibility issues but R. made me realize that there were workarounds and alternatives to these things with Linux. I argued but then said, "I guess I'm an Adobe whore!" This is true!

Anybody out there ever use Gimp? Corel Paint? Linux? Whats on your Christmas list?

New look.....

2011-11-30T20:04:00.000-06:00

Sorry for all the recent blog color changes. I was paying round and .....well got tired. Some were not seeing the comments tab when he blog was re. Now its white. I hoe you all can see everything.
Me? I'm going to bed:)